Scream Queens Recap

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Helloooooo Weirdos!  I am so very excited to try my hand at a recap.  Scream Queens season 2 is here and just as weird and fabulous as the last…and this time we have John Stamos and his murdery hand to ogle.  That being said if you haven’t watched the first episode and are super serial about spoilers…

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Yes that is Kirstie Alley looking flawless.  More on that later.

When last we were with the Chanels, they had just been framed for murder and sent to a mental institution, leaving us all to wonder where they were going to go with season 2.  There were rumors that the story line wouldn’t be linear, and take place in a summer camp; kind of a teeny bopper American Horror Story.  BUT they didn’t disappoint and continued the saga, albeit a little far fetched…in a super sketchy hospital.

Like season 1, we open 30 years ago on Halloween, with people making really terrible life choices.  Why did this family choose to have care in this hospital?  The staff are clearly there to party.  Give them a break.  Working at a hospital is hard.  Let the doctor do Quaaludes!  Also, why are you so comfortable with your husband being operated on by a doctor who you were just told was looking for Quaaludes?

First theory:  That guys who thrown in the swamp is the murderer.  They already mentioned something called the “Green Meany”.  The swamp is radioactive or something, and he becomes a mutant murderer.  I wrote “GREEN MASK WAS THE KISS OF DEATH MOTHER FUCKER!!”.  Bad choices all around.  Thank GOD.

Uncle Jesse and Teen Wolf enter.  Very exciting.  John Stamos is channeling a manic George Clooney circa ER, HARD.  Jaimee Lee’s Dr. Munsch is Dr. Phil meets Steve Jobs, with the honorary doctorate that they took away from Bill Cosby.  Taylor Lautner’s character so far is just a hot weirdo and that is just fine.

We’re reintroduced to the Chanel’s by Dr. Munsch, explaining that they were basically documented “Making a Murderer” style.  My favorite part of this was the scene with Lea Michele not knowing what “double jeopardy” means.  She did what that poor kid from the actual documentary didn’t and banged on the door and demanded to be let out.  Can’t wait to see more of her.  She does crazy so well, I think she’s working with what she’s got.

Zayday is fire.  I don’t use that term lightly, I think it’s a little play out but DAYUM.  Her hair is insane.  The outfits are on point.  She frankly looks amazing for someone who probably doesn’t sleep, ever.  Two jobs and medical school?  No thank you.  The Chanels enter the launder mat and I am convinced that the stylist for this show deserves a goddamn Emmy.

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That being said, the most unrealistic thing about this fictional hospital setting is the tailored pink Grey Anatomy brand scrubs.  All I get if I encounter mystery fluid or bed bugs is boxy green scrubs that they ship up from laundry.  I am pleased that they kept it real with how much they would be collectively making as a phlebotomist, a dental secretary, and a spunk janitor.  Thank God for Dr. Munsch offering them a totally legit, not at all fake and suspicious medical school experience.  Although it does look like they will get to watch John Stamos shower if they have good timing.

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Kirstie Alley comes in repping hard for the nurses.  She looks amazing.  I don’t know what she’s been doing for the last few years.  If she dropped Jenny Craig, sprayed on trashy paparazzi replant, who can say.  Whatever it was, it worked.  It looks like she and Munsch have it in for the Chanels, but not in the same way.  She’ll make whatever she does look good, and I personally hope she is hooking up with Taylor Launter.  Teach him a thing or two.

The episode centers around Cecily Strong and her…condition.  She has werewolf syndrome and is covered in hair.  This is how I felt starting at the age of 12, luckily I discovered Sally Hansen lip cream and tweezers.  She is at this hospital because Munch wants to create this hospital that cures diseases that have no cure.  It’s called CURE.  I don’t remember what the acronym stands for, all I know it people are going to die. Anyway, they do cure her and she looses literally all her hair and the Chanels give her a makeover montage style set to “Vacation” by the Go-Gos.  How can I get hired at this hospital?

Poor Chanel No. 5 gets stuck pulling the night shift, and decides to treat former Wolf Girl to a scalding hot locked in bath…and to join her in the next separate locked bath.  Just like a Calais commercial.  Two idiots in separates bathes, secluded somewhere…waiting to be murdered.

I was complaining about half way through this episode that it wasn’t campy or bloody enough.  The last scene didn’t disappoint.  The camera shows that someone is definitely watching them.  For a second I thought the too-happy-for-his-own-good candy striper was going to turn up, as Chanel No. 5 said, leaving the episode super anti-climactic.  BUT NO.  It’s what can I only imagine is the Green Meany, in a super crazy green demon mask with glowing radioactive goo dripping from is machete.  Que 80s music, he (or she) starts taunting Wolf Girl and No. 5 before sending Wolf Girl’s bald head flying onto No. 5’s metal locked bath.  The Meany raises the machete and striking…cut to credits.  Did No. 5 die? If not, who lets her out of the bath?  Is Candy Striper dead? Will Lea Michele grace us with her manic presence soon?

We’ll have to wait and see.  Happy watching Weirdos.  Stay fabulous!

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