Haunt Your House

Happy October Weirdos!  It’s my favorite month of the year.  I’m listening to Astonishing Legends and Night Vale, drinking a New Belgium Pumpkick Ale (a beer at 9am is like a beer a 9pm for a nocturnal person getting off a night shift), and getting my house ready in preparation for the best holiday Hallmark ever stole from the Pagan tradition:  Halloween.

If you’ve been on Pinterest EVER, you will be bombarded with everything from kitschy straw spun wreaths, fake cob webs, intricate Jack-O- Lanterns, and specter projections.  Funny enough I like to keep it simple and fabulous.  While I love decor I am also lazy and cheap.  I don’t want my basement cluttered with dust collecting accouterments of the spookiest time of the year.  Here are some my favorite items that will have your stoop looking fabulous, simple, and weird.

The Ceramic Pumpkin

We all have memories of going to the pumpkin patch as kids.  I personally have a few gems in a color block wind breaker, standing next to a gourd or two that are almost as big as my 4 year old self.  You take the pumpkin home, take out the guts, roast the seeds, and mom and dad carve out the lopsided face you draw on with a Sharpie (unless your family lived on the edge and gave children knives…which sounds like the start of a horror movie).  Ain’t no body got time for that.  I’m not crafty, I don’t want the clean up, I don’t want to have to deal with a gross rotting sunken face come mid-November (too much Botox required, and then I have to deal with an old mushy pumpkin), and I ESPECIALLY don’t want to run the risk of inviting asshole teenagers on their 3rd Smirnoff Ice onto my porch fucking up my stuff.  The ceramic pumpkin doesn’t rock, there’s plenty of variety depending on your taste, and available at most grocery stores and T.J. Maxx.  I like to stack them on my steps, and light them with candles at night.

String Lights

Why should Christmas get all the fun?  Halloween string lights create a nice little ambiance for a night on the porch, having a beer, telling kids you’re out of candy.  I’m not a fan of little skeletons or eyeballs or whatever.  Keep it simple.  Red lights are a great seasonal touch, and clear lights are cool if you like to get away with keeping your house a little creep year-round.


Okay, I am always a little on the fence about wreaths in general.  I think they can go really tacky really quick.  You won’t see a monogrammed, chevron, glittery ornament on my door any time soon, or anything with tulle for that matter.  However, when done right, I think they can be a very chic addition to the outdoor decor.  There are plenty of DIY options if you’ve got that kind of time on your hands, but you can shell out for one if your so inclined too. Etsy is chalk full of these fuckers and the last one is from Crate and Barrel.A black freathered wreath is very Black Swan (one of my favorite movies, I love a manic Natalie Portman), and the black branches give a very witchy woods vibe.  Like this bitch might know some spells or is doing ballet in her living room in front of an ornate Victorian mirror.

There you have it.  Only three decor tips, but like I said, I like to keep things simple. Just enough for people to wonder about my sanity.  I strive to trick people into thinking I have it together and have impeccable taste.  Halloween is my favorite and want to give it the love it deserves.  I always respect an out done front yard that looks like a haunted grave yard or an entrance to an insane asylum.  Go nuts!  Have fun with it.  You do you.

Have a creepy and wonderful October.  Enjoy a cocktail, dress up as much as possible, and rack up that candy.  Stay fabulous, stay weird!

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