Hello hello, Weirdos. As we approach the most spooktacular (oh, fuck me) time of the year, it’s time to round out the finer details of the costume (or three) that will be dawned on the later half of the month. If you’re like me you have your costume for work, a drag show or other bright and gay event, and friendly boozy house party. I love Halloween because you can be anyone or anything you want. Which always makes me question why people choose really tacky, gross, or general “I-hope-I-never-have-to-explain-this-to-my-kids” costume (believe me, there is a difference between “Oh that’s so cute, Mom’s drunk in a Cruella DeVil costume 20 years ago” and “Why can I see Mom’s labia…she’s dressed as a Minion.”)
Here are a few general “Don’ts” when if comes to dressing up this year. It’s 2016, you’d thinks people would have an over all sense of self awareness (I’m not talking political correctness…I’m talking GENERAL SELF AWARENESS).
We’re comin’ hot with this first one. Once again, you’d think this wouldn’t be an issue in the 2010s, but then you see Julian Hough (possibly the whitest girl you know) spilling out onto the streets of L.A. as Crazy Eyes from Orange in the New Black. You know what’s not the new black? White people in blackface. I don’t have a problem with non-black people going as a black character from a show or movie, but painting your face to look black is a little The Birth of Nation circa 1915. It’s not cute…in fact it’s a little on-the-nose-racist. If you’re about to go out into the Halloween world, do a last once over and think “Do I look like something out of white supremacist rhetoric film?” change you’re costume. Put on a tee shirt, write “Error 404 Costume Not Found” in black Sharpie (you already have one…you were about to use it on your face) and call it a day. It’s lame, but it will be better than your first idea. However, that brings me to the next category.
2. Non Costumes
Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you! Party Pooper! That’s you! Come ON. Don’t even bother with a costume, THAT is less annoying. If you’re going to use the aforementioned “Error 404 Costume Not Found” cop out, use duct tape over sweat pants to be a “stick figure”, or wear a snarky tee shirt that says something like “This IS My Costume”, I can probably tell a few things about you right off the bat: You think you’re too cool for school and can’t relax about your “Anonymous” group long enough to have a good time, you think you’re original but you’re just like every other guy who was angsty at 14, you use shit like this to make up for your lack of actual personality, and/or you were about to go out in blackface and rightfully took my advice to change your costume.
3. Slutty Insert-Already-Bad-Costume Here
I’m all for a sexy costume. A bell out long-sleeve black romper, fishnets, killer heels, hat, and a red or black lip: you’ve got a sexy witch. Nude body suit, tastefully (key:TASTEFULLY) place ivy leaves, red wig, sparkly green lips: Poison Ivy. Black body suit, low chignon, winged eye, whiskers and heart nose: black cat. I could go on, it’s too easy. Which is why it is INSANE that people feel the need to make non-sexy things slutty, and already sexy things lose their last stitch of class (probably literally). Seriously, Raggedy Ann, Elmo, Minions, various snacks
…who is this for?
4. Out-dated Pop Culture References
Let’s give Snooki a break ok? It’s been at least 5 years since she was arrested on a beach ruining her “Meatball day”. She looks fab and is enjoying motherhood to a few little meatballs of her own. Bush still giving you a few laughs? We’re not far enough out from Dubbya to be dawning rubber masks yelling “NUCULAR!” before doing Jager bombs (not me…I’m just assuming. They seem like cooresponding life choices.) There is so much ridiculous shit going on in 2016, whether it be celebrity or politics, that there’s no reason to dip into your high school data bank for costume ideas.
Although that mask is actual nightmare fuel, you can do better. And I mean…if you can pull off going as Bobby Moynihan as Snooki, go for it.
Have fun this Halloween, Weirdos! I know I came in hot out the gate…but I thought better to start with the actual offensive and chill out to just bad taste. Make every Halloween count. Creative costumes can be topical and fun with out setting back civil rights 100 years. You do you, and wear those costumes with pride.
Stay fabulous, stay weird!