WEIRDOS!! Jesus, you know what I’m really bad at? Follow through. Never again will I promise a two part post because I tried like 10 times to write the second part of the Chick Flick post and seriously it just wasn’t happening. TBH it’s why I haven’t posted since early November. So we’re moving the fuck on. Keep it rolling.
The other day my long term boo-thang admitted he thought I was a whole year younger than I was…for like several months (If you’re under 25, trust me, it mean a lot when you’re over 25). If he wasn’t the most forgetful human on the planet I would have chalked it up to perfecting my skin care/ personal care situation. (PS Having acne doesn’t make you look like a blossoming youth, it makes you look like you need to add a spot treatment to your night routine. ANYWAY.)
I’ve written before how I’m completely over the whole “OMG I’m a barely functioning adult. I hate working out and grocery shopping and washing my face at night and…omg I’m such a mess isn’t that cute and relate-able?!” PASS. Also most of the people writing those posts go to refromer pilates 3x a week and can afford grocery delivery. SO, us mere peasants have to figure out how to keep it tight and right even if we don’t think we have the time or monies. So like, here’s what I do. Most of this comes from my ever long winding path of figuring out how to take care of my self.
Rollers are everywhere. Ice rollers, micro needle rollers, even chakra crystal rollers. Why do we roll? Because everyone over the legal drinking age has woken up, looked in the mirror and thought “How even the fuck does that much water accumulate in my orbital socket (or so I assume your inner voice sounds)”, or if you’re me “I had some cutting edge cheek bones like 8 hours ago…I demand answers.”
I would leave the first time you micro needle to a professional dermatologist, BUT for puffiness the ice roller is a game changer. You can feeeeel the demon retained water drain from your gorgeous face. The coolness is a def plus, it wakes you up and is super fucking refreshing, even in the depths of winter.
How to: Roll it up, roll it up! Watch it all fall out. Roll it up, roll it up! That’s how we ball out! (spoken by the poet goddess Rhianna). But seriously, roll that thing in a upward and outward motion. Your first instinct might be to drag down, BUT you’re only helping gravity fuck up your shit. Do that upward motion for 2-3 min like 2-3 times a day. There are a bunch available on Amazon buuut my favorite is… Esarora Stainless Steel Ice Roller
Broke Ass Hack: If you don’t feel like throwing down for a roller, or frankly there’s more important shit you have to spend money on, just throw a spoon in the freezer before bed. In the morning, hold it against your palm for a few seconds then do the roll up and out motion moving the spoon in circles. You just saved $10.99; you’re welcome.
Mask On, Mask Off
We all remember those creepy mask packets from the pharmacy with models with giant ass plants for eyes. A sleep over staple. But instead of experimenting with how much you can peel off in one try, now you actually have to figure out what they fuck they’re for, and if they even work…
I strive for a Patrick Bateman level of self care.
I have combination skin, which means I get the joy of both super dry patches on my cheeks and oil slicks on my T zone. This basically means a never dying colony of black heads on my nose. Pore strips were my life for a while, until I discovered the charcoal mask. Now, I’m not talking about the ones from those terrifying YouTube videos where they peel off the first 3 layers of skin to get it off. I’m talking about the fun kind that drys and cracks when it’s ready to be washed off. My favorite is this one by Origins.
Next Level Shit: Use you favorite pore strip after the charcoal mask. That’ll take care of any of those stubborn SOBs still hanging on.
I Mustache You A Question
…But I have to go fuck off for making that joke.
oooooooKAY! Some of us have heritage from parts of world where APPARRRRENTLY it was necessary for survival or whatever-the-fuck for women to have upper lip and stray weird chin hair. Like 100% of my heritage, lucky me. I have the combined upper lip protection the Austrian/ Hungarians, Italians, and Russians have to offer. Like 1000 years ago I’m sure it let a mate know our offspring would survive the winter and I could grow a mean turnip. Great.
For 13 year old Emily, it meant getting the ever living shit burnt out of my lip by a salon girl that was “afraid of hurting” me. WELLLL, bitch what didn’t hurt so much was the hair removal, not my first rodeo. What SUCKED was 2 inch symmetrical burns from her over rubbing the wax/ paper, skiddish of making a 13 year old girl tear up. Sweetie, I was already a new teen with a mustache…like…there’s not a whole more that can fuck me up.
I just had to face I couldn’t pull off a Salvador Dali like Max.
So I swore off waxing to this day. LITERALLY for the past 15 years I have only used one thing for my unfortunate situation. I wash my face, brush Sally Hansen hair remover on my upper lip, kill 5 minutes, then wipe it off with a tissue. I have pretty sensitive skin and it doesn’t bother me. It also costs less then a lip wax and lasts like 6 months. I get a warm pride feeling when I think about all the money I’ve saved. Buuut….
If You Wanna Get Fancy: As with all unwanted body hair, you can get rid of it permanently with laser hair removal. I’ve given it a shot with my bikini line and the pain wasn’t worth it to me. But I also know people who swear by it. If you have the time and money (and pain tolerance) I more than recommend it.
I cannot stress enough the importance of nothing days. When you have literally nothing planned. No brunches, meetings, house keeping, grocery shopping, NADA! This used to be like every Friday through Sunday for most of us through college and a few years beyond, but life has a funny way of fucking you side ways.
Nobody relies on me to keep them alive, so if you have tiny humans or like a puppy or something I get that this is like…not fucking possible. But if have a partner or a co-owner, or other semi-responsible person in sight range, hand over the obligation for 30 minutes to an hour and just do nothing.
None, not one.
I have a horrible habit of spreading my self too thin and get so stressed out that I just take a nap instead of getting shit done. Having 2 or 3 nothing days a month has done wonders for my sanity and gives me something to look forward to.
Get All Buddah Zen With It: There are a few really good free apps with guided meditation. Put on a sleep masks and your favorite head phones and let someone else help you clear your brain. Some say if you fall asleep you’re not really meditating, but I say if what you need is for your brain to completely shut off for a few minutes, it fucking worked.
All of this isn’t even my version of pampering, it just gets me to normal. When I don’t take the time to take care of myself it ends with desperately attempting to spray the last of a dry shampoo can onto my greasy/ fried hair 20 minutes before I’m supposed to clock in at my job; praying that the quad espresso kicks in before the sleep deprivation. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take of anything else.
So, go get rid of the hair you’re confused by, de-puff what’s not supossed to be, slather on your fave mask, and just do fucking nothing for once.
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