Enter the Season of the Basic Witch

Here we are again, Weirdos. The most wonderful…and basic…time of the year.

Infinity scarves, pumpkin spice everything, Hunter boots, chunky relaxed sweaters. Good bye Aperol Spritz, hello spiked apple cider.

Now, I love fall because I’m a little bit Halloween Freak, little bit Basic Bitch. So are you…that’s why you’re here.

In Central Ohio, you don’t really get a choice NOT to be into football. We are the home of the Buckeyes, so good luck not getting drowned in scarlet and gray every single Saturday. It also means that every Saturday is a party. Hell, the most popular gay bar in town had the game on instead of the usual Lady Gaga and Britney Spears music videos. And every. eye. was. glued.

Whether your stomping ground has an obnoxiously successful home team, a hella creepy corn maze, or five new Spirit of Halloween (local economy…am I right?)  there are some super essentials to make the creepiest time of the year…even creepier.

Just Go to the Fucking Game, Okay

Or the viewing party, or the tailgate…you know what I mean.  Us anti-social “I’m like…not into following sports” are kind of missing out on a killer time.  Trust me, even if you’re in a packed stadium drinking an over priced beer (or pulling from your flask because *some* universities think it’s “irresponsible” or “encouraging a culture of debauchery” to serve booze at an academic sporting event) you don’t have to watch the game to have blasty blast.  Most of the time the people watching alone is entertainment enough.

If you do find your self at a party in which the sole purpose is to huddle around a TV and cheer on a bunch of 20 year olds concussing each other into oblivion, read these works carefully : free.  booze.  and.  snacks.  It *is* good etiquette to BYOB at least a 6 pack 12 pack of your favorite flavor of White Claw (The Claw belongs to no season;  for laws do not exist in the presence of the Claw.). Typically, though, you’ll find a case of some Bud Lite Lime that you can tolerate after 12 grape fruit black cherry Claws; or if you’re lucky something with an actual ABV like spiked cider.  Pair that adult beverage with some buffalo chicken dip (There is *always* BCD…if there isn’t…just leave.  No one will think lesser of you.) and you’re in business for a good time.

I Smell Children

I’m not going to say I don’t watch Hocus Pocus or Nightmare Before Christmas year-round…but I don’t get as many concerned looks from my fiance after September 1st.  Movie nights are the perfect excuse to skip the bars on a Saturday night and chill with some fabulous wierdos, not unlike your self, and play some favorites.

This goes double for Trick or Treat.  Who among us doesn’t remember ringing a door bell on Beggars’ Night that was answered by a buzzed adult who pulled the short straw.

If you want to hex up your movie night game, grab a projector and a sheet or side of a building and hook up your laptop or iPhone (it’s an iPhone) for some outside times.  Nothing makes sitting and doing nothing with friend better than doing it around a fire pit.  Also this saves you by only having to tidy up the path from the backdoor to the nearest bathroom.


Even though I mentioned Spirit of Halloween at the top, I actually prefer to do my Halloween shopping at thrift stores or consignment shops if I’m feeling fancayyy.

Why? you ask.

First, it’s hella cheap.  Tuesday Morning, Goodwill, Salvation Army, ect have a seasonal inventory they rotate just like any other store.  I’m talking good finds for under $5.  There’s more than a good chance you’ll find something actually from the 1990s for 99 cents rather than buying something that’s meant to look like it’s from the 1990s for $20.

B, you avoid having to hunt for decor that isn’t in metallic script, or on burlap, or mentions leaves, autumn, or “pumpkin spice season/ everything/ latte/ lyfe/ tribe”.  At a second hand place there’s a good chance what you’re buying came from a dead person’s house and thusly more likely to be haunted.  You’ll find some unique shit, and maybe a ghost.

  • It’s better for the environment/ curtails consumerism.  It’s totally normal to want to freshen up some decor from last season, or find a new Halloween costume (or get everything you need for the 3 separate ideas you have this year).  But when we throw out the perfectly good stuff we got, it does end up in a landfill…and that’s a bummer.  Mama Earth can use all the help she can get right now.  Donate your shit you were planning on pitching and find some new stuff in the process.  Also, thrift store are a gold mine for costumes.  There are even some places you can find the prepackaged ones gently used (Rag-O-Rama if you’re in the Central Ohio area).


Knives and Pumpkins

Let I’ll make my last segment short:  if you cop out and paint some non-sense like “It’s Fall, Y’all” or “Gather” with out at least stabbing into one pumpkin…we can’t be friends.

Pumpkins are meant to have jacked up scary faces that are to be kicked in by some terrifying youth come November 2nd.  *ALSO* If you paint them for the ‘Gram, fulfilling some strange need to prove that you can replicate something from Pinterest…you don’t get fresh, salted, baked pumpkin seeds.  And that’s your loss…that’s the price you pay.


This was a ride you guys.  I started strong with some encouraging advice on sports related socializing and closed it out by offending anyone that genuinely enjoys painting gourds for some reason.   I’m moving…and getting married like super soon…and haven’t written in *foreverrrr*. So I’ll cut myself some slack.  And so should you.

Stay fab.  Stay Weird.



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