The most anxiety producing phrase of my life. Right up there with “Bring your bathing suit!” and “It’s time for team building exercises!”

Some of us are natural hosts. Not me. I’m a party go-er, not a party thrower. I’ll help scrub base boards and light a bad mixture of scented candles all day…as long as it’s not in my house.

However, times come in our weird lives where opportunity is thrust upon us (your significant other offers to host the work Christmas Party, “It can be a house warming party too, babe!” great). And if I’m going to do something, I’m not doing to half ass it, I’m gonna full ass this son of a bitch.

I’ve watched a lot of parties thrown in my day, and I’ve seen a lot of panicked hosts. Hell, I had a wedding this year and got a decent dose of it. There are thing people for sure notice and others that no one could give a flying fuck about. And if they do, they need to get a hobby.

Gayle is a total mood.
have a place for the stupid coats

This is a biggie. For me…it kind of sets the tone? Idk it has to do with being greeted and welcomed. You invited me! Have a place for the coats! Do not make them carry their coats around only to be put on the back of a chair. Where ever you put your coats, put theirs’; and don’t make them do it them selves. Yeah it sucks having to pull yourself away from the party and hang up someone’s heavy Amazon Mom faux down, but that’s kind of the point of being the host. Sucks, I know. But eventually the last guest will show up and you can have that second glass of wine (make sure you have it on hand, more on that later).

If you have to use a bed, so be it (I’ve been there). But like I said before, take it up there yourself, other wise it becomes a giant mound that you’ll have to sift through later. When you’re guests are in a food coma and 5 house pours deep, all the black parkas are gonna look the same. Then Rebecca is gonna find out Shannon secretly smokes, and Lacey is gonna comment how loose Ashley’s feels compares to her’s, and the whole group chat will go up in flames.

no one cares about your base boards

That being said, fucking vacuum and mop. Even if your floors “don’t show dirt” it’s just disrespectful and gross to invite people over to eat and drink if your party area hasn’t been cleaned. No crumbs on the counter, no dishes in the sink, take out the fucking trash, and shove all that cleaning shit away from prying eyes. Even if you have your bleach wipes out by the sink everyday, put it away. Under the sink, in a pantry, in a closet, I don’t care. This all goes double if you have a pet. Nothing makes me lose my appetite quicker than seeing a clump of pet hair hanging out in the corner (where is your pet though, I want to smuther it in love).

I mean, if you care about your base boards go nuts. Whatever. It’s your house. This is may be coming straight from childhood hosting-trauma, but there are cleaning aspects that cause more stress and your guest honestly won’t notice. Don’t dust the dresser in your bedroom if it’s gonna crunch you on time. At the end of the day think “would I notice this?”

bars are fun

And they come in all shapes and sizes. I loooove a fantastic metal and glass cart, there are some sturdy wood ones that make you feel like you’re in a board meeting in Mad Men, I’ve even seen a long accent table with a great set up. These fuckers are ex-pen-sive though. I am in the market for one, but finding one for a reasonable price is pain staking. I might have to just get one at an unreasonable price…

I digress. The point is, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s about the booze on the cruise. Like I said, you can make a bar out of a long accent table, or just an easily accessible corner of the counter top. Arranging the bottles is the name of the game. I personally like to get like 5 smaller bottles of liquor in the front, 2 bottles of white, 2 bottles of red in the back, and a case of an assortment of a “craft beer” like Fat Tire in a tub of ice. A lot major cities have local breweries that sell variety packs too. I don’t usually ask guests to bring alcohol, but I always bring a bottle of something. It’s polite, and I like to drink what I want.

trash is traaaash

I hate trash accumulation at parties. It looks terrible during and it’s a pain after. It’s another drag of hosting, but going around and picking up empties is good for sanity. People are usually decent and through away their own shit. Sooooo make your trash can easy to get to. You’ll thank me later. This is usually a corner in the kitchen or at the end of a counter.

Wine/ drink markers (and I mean literal markers) and charms help avoid using plastic. Stemless wine glasses or low balls are really versatile. Unless you’re hosting a dinner party, the difference between red and white wine glasses doesn’t really matter. Again if someone is judging you for not having different glasses, they aren’t that fun and need to sort their priorities.

As for hors d’oeuvres, do better than a napkin. You make a literal “I don’t know what to do with my hands” moment when they’re trying to cup a handful of food and a soon-to-be-soggy napkin. If you don’t have a set of dessert or appetizer plates, there a solid selection of cheap ones at a Meijer or Walmart. If it’s a bigger party (or you hate dishes) ain’t no shame in disposable!

do you

Listen up you little weirdos, this is a biggie. Too many times I have seen or experienced the moment of “oh shit, I smell like bleach and b.o. and people are gonna be here in 1 fucking hour”.

I don’t know about you, but hair and make up alone is 45 minutes on a rush order. Then I gotta try on three outfits, and then wear the first one I tried on. So then I’m left doing a lazy mug, flat staticy hair, and something that would be cute if it had been ironed.

Do yourself a favor and just get a blow out. Seriously. I know for some it’s a bit of a luxury but you’ll thank me when all you have to worry about is make up and lighting candles before people arrive. I know when I have an appointment, I’m way more efficient at getting things done. And if you have an S.O. or room mates, fucking delegate. It’s their party too!

Pick out options the day before. I always pick at least 3 different lewks. If I don’t I’m shuffling around my closet with a glass of up straight up panicking. Wear you’re favorite thing. Even if it’s a little dressy. It’s your place, it’s your party, it’s your lewk.

momma’s little helper

Okay, your place is cleanish, the food and booze are set up, you are feeling your lewk, hair is looking bomb.

Before you go into the belly of the beast, make your favorite drink, finish it, and make another. Have a bottle of wine or a beer and a plate stashed for later. Parties can get busy, you do a super job hosting, and before you know it all the pinot and buffalo chicken dip are fucking gone.

Have an alternate pair of shoes (that aren’t slippers) close by. I know those heeled booties are sick, but they’re gonna get real old after your fifth door answer. I don’t like to wear just socks, because 1. spills 2. There are wooden stairs leading to my front door and I just know I’ll bite it and spill my drink evvvvvery where.

Have a blast my weirdos. Play your favorite music, eat your favorite food, and be super stoked that you don’t have to worry about getting home at the end of the night. This holidays are here and stress is inevitable. Take a deep breath and party through it!

Stay fab. Stay weird.

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