The Library is Open

I don’t know about you, but it takes a pretty damn riveting book to lock me in. It’s not like I don’t like to read. After all, reading is what?

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I wrote this before the Guardian interview…don’t @ me.

And although I love to read a bitch on the reg, it’s probably more socially healthy (and mentally) to read a book on the reg.

I actually used to be a library rat back when I had a life. Mostly because I was way too poor to buy cook books and graphic novels. It also isn’t as shameless to borrow Lauren Conrad’s novel series that is totally not based on her real life, rather than shelling out $14.99 on Barnes and Nobel. It was 2010, cut me a friggin’ break.

Now that I’m not broke as a joke (just regular broke) I like to own a few gems, but a good used book store is always preferred (I consistently refuse to buy retail). The boyfriend is also not allowed in one recreationally because there are only so many non-fiction global conflict and obscure Australian cook books one man should own.

Here’s the Fabulous Weirdo Required Reading List. How did I choose these you ask? Would you stop mid description at a dinner party because you realize it’s probably not appropriate conversation? There you go.

Just kidding…kinda.

1. The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule

THIS bitch.  This lucky lucky bitch.  God bless her.  THIS bitch had a dream of being a true crime writer and worked at a suicide prevention hotline to pay the bills.  Thiiiiiiiiis bitch had a station right next to muthafuckin’ Ted Bundy.  The best part is THIS bitch (and in case you’re wondering I use the term with the up most respect. SO MUCH RESPECT.)  is a really good writer and went on to write more true crime books.

This is shit will keep you up at night.  Especially if you have any prior knowledge of what Ted Bundy did.  You see the unfolding of horror from the perspective of person that only knew him as an incredible advocate for people wanting to harm themselves.  But when it came down to it, it was just another opportunity for him to take control over life and death.  The way he would lure victims is exactly why we actively fuck politeness to stay sexy and not get murdered.

2. Transmetropolitan

I first read this series about 10 years ago when my best friend’s boyfriend (now husband) got it for me as a Christmas gift.  I had mentioned I was interested in getting into graphic novels and he said it was a good starter.  Do NOT take that to mean that is a basic little comic book. Spider Jerusalem is a weirdo with the best of us and lives in this future city that isn’t quite distopian, but still seem kinda creep because you could more than likely seeing it coming to life.  It was written in the 1990s and let’s the just say the author was way ahead of his time on gender, sexuality, politics, and society norms.

Spider Jerusalem is a journalist who gives zeeeeerroooooo fucks and works for an editor that literally smokes 5 cigarettes at a time (everyone does…because you can just grow a fresh lung when you need one.  I’d have 3 livers on reserve at any given time personally).

The forward is written by Sir Patrick Stewart himself, and if they ever considered a movie option, he’s be numero uno for the main role.

3. The Etiquette Guide for Nice People Who Sometimes Say Fuck

This isn’t so much an etiquette book as it is a book that hilariously and scientifically explains why humans are increasingly suspect of other humans. Spoiler alert: you interact with too many of them. This isn’t a further excuse to avoid people. It’s a vote for quality over quantity and that means you Instagram. However, in our day to day life we gotta interact with a ton of strangers. Grocery stores, bars, soul sucking corporate offices, the gym, the office break room when the scary cool people are all having lunch and they stare at you because like who even is she? Does she work here? ALL filled with the unwashed masses that frankly our brains are not evolutionarily equipped to deal with. This book kinda helps you navigate that; and mostly helps you understand your cave person brain.

4. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

Not a self help book. More of a get over your self book. This book…omg I love it. I would say bottom line, the lesson at the end of the day is sit down bitch, be humble.

It sucks to take responsibility for your own life because then you have no one to blame when it all goes wrong. But learning to adapt to the shit life throws at you and not being stuck to an identity or a preconceived notion of how life is “supposed” to go, really does wonders for your sanity.

I’d say Mark’s value system is if Tyler Durden got his shit together and stopped feeling sorry for himself.  Rising above the shitty first world fuckery instead of letting it eat away at him.  Project Mayhem could have been a dope indie production company if the Narrator had a page turner like this.

5. Mind Hunter by John Douglas and Mark Olshaker

You watched the Netflix series.  You already knew about the profiled killers from My Favorite Murder, Last Podcast On the Left, and Generation Why.  You gotta read the book.  Us murderinos are coming out of the wood work and others are following suit.  For once, I ain’t mad about the fact that people who never would have been interested in something “edgy” are jumping on the trend like a 16 year old into an over sized Metallica tee.

These guys are the literal founding fathers of what excites the true crime fandom.  They wanted to find out why the actual FUCK?!  Profiling criminals changed the way law enforcement finds killers.  This is an especially good pick if you need to unplug and take a break from endless podcasts and Law and Order binges.  DUN DUN.  

6. YOU Are A Badass by Jen Sincero

Contrary to this post, I’m not a fan of self help books.  Actually, reading so many so close together kind of gave me a mind fuck.  Unlike run of the mill “how to get people to like you by recreating your personality” this and the two others on this list will help you get to know your self, and possibly actually like your self by sifting through all the bullshit.

Jen says right off the bat (paraphrasing), it’s not your fault that you’re fucked up, but it is your fault for staying fucked up.  Then she goes into explaining how your brain works over your life development.  The thing is with this book is be ready to be a little overwhelmed.  More than a few times I was like “Staaahhhhppp!! Too real! No thanks!”.  She won’t leave you hanging though.  You’ll def feel more bad ass more than you already do by the end of it.

Like, The Rules of Feminism

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Every now and again I go on a genre tear. I’ll flood my eye balls with Wes Craven “bloody topless virgin final girl” films or comfortably numb by brain with all 257 Fast and Furious movies.  But there is no time that I’m not in the mood for chick flicks.  Ever since my mom dragged me to see Mean Girls when I was 14, no other movie genre shaped or influenced me well into my semi-functional adulthood.

 

But before I was getting army pants and flip flops because I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops, I was thinking about whether I’d be able to use legal jargon in everyday conversation like Elle Wood’s, would I kick ass in a bandage dress like Gracie “Lou Freebush” Hart, or be as good as a friend even while riding the crimson wave as Cher Horowitz.  Go on Instagram for two scroll flicks and try me if you don’t trip over a meme or a caption or a tee shirt referencing a chick flick from the good ole 90s/00s.  As cliche and basic as they can be, don’t lie to my face that these slumber party staples didn’t seal how you date, make goals, interact with your gal pals, or choose like grabbing Instagram captions.

Chick flick main character archetypes are basically “the popular blonde has a brain and is more than her hair, boobs, and wardrobe!?!?!?” and “golly gee that brunette is actually pretty when she takes off her glasses and un-clips her hair in slow motion”.  But like…I love that.  We all needed that, especially when prior generations had Sandy channeling her inner leather daddy to impress Danny, even though he’s a weirdo narcissist chain smoking 16 year old.  And Rizzo, the OG head bitch, was painted as some slutty villain even though the worst thing she did was sing a song about how annoyingly innocent Sandy was. Hardly a Burn Book.

“That’s just like…the rules of feminism” – Gretchen Wieners

Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by this movie.  Yes my mom did drag me to see it.  In my defense, the only info I was given is that it’s loosely based off the book Queen Bees and Wanna Bees.  So, I naturally assumed it would be a sad documentary used to teach me that yes, high school will be as bad as middle school and catholic school.  So buckle up those low-rise boot cut American Eagle jeans ’til college, kiddo. Then you can wear black lipstick like you’ve always dreamed; and boys that  have that crunchy bleached tipped hair will like-like you, because it’s 2004 and you don’t know what the fuck you want.

Unlike Cady (LiLo, we miss you, we love you, we need you…to explain your new accent) the only thing that totally shocked me was the concept of sexually active band nerds.  Because only the popular kids hook up right?  Oh, no no no my sweet clarinet.  Those step-in-time squirrels were getting a crash course in anatomy in the back of the away bus.  Annnnnyyyyyywhhoo.

And when I say nothing shocked me I mean that for the previous 2 years in middle school, the cool girls would all wear their matching Old Navy zip ups on the same day. In high school, God forbid you wear Converse All Stars and not even know who the Ramones are.  I definitely remember whose mom wan’t a “regular mom”.  Hell even the “cool Asians” were a thing.

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In light of all the super jacked up things I remember, what I remember most is how much I changed from summer to fall before freshman year.  I shed some baby fat, learned how to use a straightener and that eye liner isn’t just for your lower waterline.  And as we saw from Cady (seriously LiLo…when did you bump English to your second language?) all that an push up bra can seriously change your self image.

The Instagram caption:  “Stop trying to make fetch happen!!”  We mostly use this movie to call each other out on cunty bullshit and LOL at all the bullshit we all *mostly* grew out of.

“Whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed!” – Elle Woods

I rule this one a game changer.  I was fully aware of what I was getting into with this movie and was so freaking excited.  Even when I was 12 I loved the idea of bucking expectation.  I loved a pretty blonde showing everyone that she was capable and standing up for herself even when her scummy prof straight up solicits her.

Here is the best fucking part though:  For all the snap judgement, she never doubts her own abilities.  She wants a thing, she does what’s required to get the thing.  She watches CNN  and reads her texts book while getting her cardio in.    She chooses the types of friends that support her when she has to study for the LSATs during Greek Week.  She outsmarts the cunty shop girls when they try to trick into paying full price for a dress that was for sure in last year’s June Vogue.  Why? Because Elle Woods knows her shit.

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Speaking of the boutique scene…12 year old me was like “Okay, this bitch does her home work”.  I was genuinely impressed…and relieved.  I would flip through my scary Russian piano teacher’s Bazaars and Vogues getting to know models and designers by name.  I wanted to be fabulous for knowing the Pantone colors for 2002 and for being able to memorize a handful of concertos.  Until Elle stomped her little last season Prada shoes, I thought I had to choose.

As a semi-fully functioning adult, this has translated to debating the pros and cons of permanent eyelash extensions then getting back to my online class so I’d know how to properly palpate a fundus on my first day of labor and delivery.  Very much because of characters like Elle Woods, Millennial woman def embody the phrase “Get you a girl that can do both”.

Elle is never presented to us as dumb.  We’re in on the joke.  She has a different value system than the stuffy fuckers around her and for that, they don’t take her seriously.  Instead of letting that set her back, she rises to the occasion.  Unfortunately, that’s a battle us chicks know all too well.

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The Instagram Caption:  “What? Like it’s hard?”  We use this movie to remind ourselves (and the haters) not to let the underestimation of small minded assholes get in our way.  And when we push by them, we do so with a smile and a hair flip in a pair of our favorite shoes.

Next time I’ll over analyze Miss Congeniality and Clueless.  Promises to my 5 subscribers that I won’t go another 5 months or whatever until another entry.

Stay fab. Stay weird.

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Instagram @emilymsisco

 

Weird Body. Fab Body. Every Body.

I don’t care how body positive you think you are, when someone says “beach trip” or “shorts season” you’re going to wonder if can  shed a few inches before that scary day is upon you.  I’m not asking to be Kate Moss or even have an Ashley Grahm moment.  But for the love of Christ on a cracker, if you ask me to wear anything other than maxi dress I WILL have to supress a panic attack.

I’m physically strong  and I love my wardrobe from September-April, but I am not what you call a “summer body”.  I UNDERSTAND why the kaftan was invented.  And I refuse to wear one…because I would never take it off. Hello, Kyle Richards.

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So to my excitement and horror four things are happening this summer that will probably shatter my body image to the point of literally wearing nothing but scrubs ( you’d be surprised how often people just assume I just left work).  But…fuck me, I’m going to suck it up and attempt fabulous.  Either way I’m going to be sweaty and self conscious, so I may as look like I give a fuck.

Florida mid- June

It was literally the only week my boyfriend was not going to be traveling for business and my cousin isn’t hosting company.  Did I mention my cousin has run the NYC Marathon and literally snapped back into a six pack after having her child?  Even if we’re not hangin’ on the beach every minute, I do not feel like walking around with my hair sticking to my neck, getting under-boob sweat, things ridingwhere they shouldn’t….UGH…I can barely handle the humidity in Ohio.  I want to enjoy the time with my cousin and her kid, not freak about whether or not I look like the Blob rolling down the board walk, consuming everything in sight.  Thank God I can sleep naked.

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4th of July  Family Reunion

Again with the beach and the good looking family.  I am the least attractive person in my family, and on my mom’s half by a landslide.  Speaking of snapping back after kids, my mom’s approaching 60 with a six pack.  This is probably the least panic inducing event of my summer because north east Ohio on the lake can be unseasonably cool.  I’m hoping to get away with a black sundress with a slouchy sheer duster for when the sun goes down.  One thing I love about my family (other than the fact that they’re fabulous) is that no one bats an eye if you wear black in the dead of summer.

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Giant Coastal Beach House

Actual in-laws, potential in-laws, a baby, a dog, and a case of rose.  I super can’t wait to be in the center of all of it; and all with the September weather in the Carolinas being fickle as fuck.  I’m not to the point with my potential in-laws where I can let my freak flag fly.  They usually see me as a littl square on Skype twice a month.  And although I would love this week to be anything but athleisure…I think that’s what’s gonna have to happen.  I’m not going to take a gamble in a bell sleeve romper with this much family time going on.  Well fit tees, leggings, chambray, low top Chucks, sports bras…no bras.  I think the biggest risk I’ll take that week is a pair of linen shorts I have for emergency cases.

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Moving to LA

This is what is making the rest of my summer super stressful.  Every bead of sweat, every fat day, every zit, is filling me with dread about the town where terms like “LA fat” and “LA 6” are dead on.  On one hand I’m stoked to explore a new city and for my boyfriend to enhance his resume, on the other I’m writing down the math of losing 50 lbs.  Technically we’re going to Pasadena, where the brainiacs of NASA and CalTech reside, so hopfully it won’t be that bad on a day-to-day.  But I don’t want to feel like jumping off Mount Hollywood after hitting a WeHo bar.  But as stated before, I don’t want to live my exsistence in an exciting place insecure to the point that I don’t have fun.  I’m going to atleast be at Mia Thermapolus level of self conscious at all times so I may as well look like Julie Andrews’ glam squad got to me.

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My brain is going to have to buckle the fuck up this summer.  Lots going on.  Luckily I have spring to ease into exposing my skin to outside air and do some shopping.  Poshmark and Marshall’s betta be ready.

Stay fabulous, stay weird.

InstaShopper

Instagram has taken over the way we stalk research dates, stalk get inspo from celebrities, stalk see the goings on with an old frenemy from high school, and of course hope that others stalk double tap our selfies that only took 12 tries and some FaceTune to get just right.

It’s past the most neurotic time of the year, and we’re allowed to buy things for ourselves again.  InstaBoutiques add to the list of how ubiquitous Instagram is to our daily survival.  And unlike those fake Facebook to-good-to-be-true $10 dress shops, these Instragram shilling weirdos are the real fucking deal.

@shopBetches

Brought to you by those Betches with the fabulous memes on Insta and their new podcast, that I personally love.  shopBetches has all the t shirts, hats, and even bedding to keep you in a perpetual betchy state.  From plays on Yonce and Mean Girls, to the most relate-able vodka/soda, spin-class, Netflix and Leave Me Alone everything,  shopBetches has everything you need to be your unapologetically Millenial Betchy self.

Stalk them at their Insta and spend your monies at their site.

@Tulipoise

This weirdo isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty.  Liz hand makes all of her metal jewelry just for you.  She even puts up with the weather in her garage to deliver, that’s commitment!  Remind the world that us nasty women are still alive and well with her stamped necklaces or go a little more low key with a “fuck anxiety” or monogram ring.  She takes special orders.  She fucking rocks.

Admire her handiwork at her Instagram or her Etsy page.

@BadWitchBoutique

Oooooooooh this witchy little Aussie hit me right in the fuzzy.  Crystal necklaces, earrings, and rings, are just a few of of the gorgeous pieces offered; fully sized crystals are fully available.  Before you know it, you’ll be longing to dawn a merlot lip and take a stroll through your local woodland area.  Although she’s based in Australia, the site will let you know how much you’ll have to pay in American monies.

Summon her goods from BadWitchBoutique.com and lurk on her Insta.

@grungesource

It’s EXACTLY what it sounds like.  Although I’m likely to cringe at the repackaged trends of the 1990s, as assumed by people born after 1998, Grunge Source manages to keep when I love intact.  They offer the obligatory crop tops, alien chokers, alien beanies, strategically placed alien hologram tee shirts, alien power banks, ect.  Hologram back packs and phone cases are available in case you are worried about not being seen by cars at night when getting into adolescent mischief.    The Instagram page is everything you need to fuel your angsty teen side (or just your angsty side if you’re a teen), as your ironically scroll on your iPhone snuggled in its new Cat Middle Finger case.

Find the rest of their stuff at GrungeSource.com and the mood setter on their Insta.

@PackedParty

Fuck yes to all the glitter.  Send the other fab weirdos in your life delightful gift boxes for a fancy Thank You, Happy Birthday, Break Up Package, or their Seasonal Box.  Or you can go a la cart with Disco Ball tumblers, adorable door necklaces, and sparkley pouches that are impossible to lose in the infinite abyss of your purse.  Packed Party has everything you need when you’re feeling especially eccentric and colorful.

Get your glitter fix on their Instagram or PackedParty.com