InstaShopper

Instagram has taken over the way we stalk research dates, stalk get inspo from celebrities, stalk see the goings on with an old frenemy from high school, and of course hope that others stalk double tap our selfies that only took 12 tries and some FaceTune to get just right.

It’s past the most neurotic time of the year, and we’re allowed to buy things for ourselves again.  InstaBoutiques add to the list of how ubiquitous Instagram is to our daily survival.  And unlike those fake Facebook to-good-to-be-true $10 dress shops, these Instragram shilling weirdos are the real fucking deal.

@shopBetches

Brought to you by those Betches with the fabulous memes on Insta and their new podcast, that I personally love.  shopBetches has all the t shirts, hats, and even bedding to keep you in a perpetual betchy state.  From plays on Yonce and Mean Girls, to the most relate-able vodka/soda, spin-class, Netflix and Leave Me Alone everything,  shopBetches has everything you need to be your unapologetically Millenial Betchy self.

Stalk them at their Insta and spend your monies at their site.

@Tulipoise

This weirdo isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty.  Liz hand makes all of her metal jewelry just for you.  She even puts up with the weather in her garage to deliver, that’s commitment!  Remind the world that us nasty women are still alive and well with her stamped necklaces or go a little more low key with a “fuck anxiety” or monogram ring.  She takes special orders.  She fucking rocks.

Admire her handiwork at her Instagram or her Etsy page.

@BadWitchBoutique

Oooooooooh this witchy little Aussie hit me right in the fuzzy.  Crystal necklaces, earrings, and rings, are just a few of of the gorgeous pieces offered; fully sized crystals are fully available.  Before you know it, you’ll be longing to dawn a merlot lip and take a stroll through your local woodland area.  Although she’s based in Australia, the site will let you know how much you’ll have to pay in American monies.

Summon her goods from BadWitchBoutique.com and lurk on her Insta.

@grungesource

It’s EXACTLY what it sounds like.  Although I’m likely to cringe at the repackaged trends of the 1990s, as assumed by people born after 1998, Grunge Source manages to keep when I love intact.  They offer the obligatory crop tops, alien chokers, alien beanies, strategically placed alien hologram tee shirts, alien power banks, ect.  Hologram back packs and phone cases are available in case you are worried about not being seen by cars at night when getting into adolescent mischief.    The Instagram page is everything you need to fuel your angsty teen side (or just your angsty side if you’re a teen), as your ironically scroll on your iPhone snuggled in its new Cat Middle Finger case.

Find the rest of their stuff at GrungeSource.com and the mood setter on their Insta.

@PackedParty

Fuck yes to all the glitter.  Send the other fab weirdos in your life delightful gift boxes for a fancy Thank You, Happy Birthday, Break Up Package, or their Seasonal Box.  Or you can go a la cart with Disco Ball tumblers, adorable door necklaces, and sparkley pouches that are impossible to lose in the infinite abyss of your purse.  Packed Party has everything you need when you’re feeling especially eccentric and colorful.

Get your glitter fix on their Instagram or PackedParty.com

Weirdo Wears Winter Wares

Winter/ cold weather style is a great way to show off how fabulous and weird you are.  Being a midwesterner myself, I resigned to the fact that once mid-November hits, Hell will be frozen over until April and will be a PMSing bitch immediately before and after.  Although we’re in the throws of winter, we still have at least 10 weeks of sunless,  face hurting air, freezing rain weather to go.  So we buckle down, layer up, and make it weird.

A Fabulous Coat

There’s nothing worse than going to a great party in a great outfit, and having to wear the coat that your shlep groceries in.  It’s always great to have a statement coat that you can feel fabulous in whether you’re having a date, bundling up for a tree lighting, mid woods seance, or a boozy brunch.

Boots

Tall, ankle, Chelsea, over the knee (not “thigh- high”…apparently it’s hookerish.  Thanks guest from Straight Up With Stassi), there are so many options.  Because I’m likely not walking nearly as much as when the sun is shining, I tend to like more or a heel.

Opaque Legging

Emphasis on the opaque.  As Blaire Waldorf famously once yelled at one of her minions “TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!”  I’m pretty well endowed in the booty arena, so it is an actual nightmare of mine to have a see-through situation…discovered suddenly in a store mirror…around less well endowed peers.  I don’t need to make an argument for these God sends, just make sure you’re camel-toe and pantie-show free.

Scarves Galore

I need to have my scarf clear up to my ears.  The bigger the better.  I like an infinity style because I find them more managable, but I do have a great long-ass white one from a knock off shop in Berlin.  I have yet to conquer a blanket scarf, but I think their super chic, very midwestern of me.  They’re also great if you want to have a no make-up day.  Scarf, hat, sunglass, no problem.

Head Ware

Give me a big sparkely pom, preferably faux fur.  A slouchy beanie is a no from me.  I don’t understand how they stay on your head!  It looks like a balancing act.  No thank you.  Headbands are cute for a not so cold day.  I notice that there is nothing covering the top of my head, it feels incomplete.  But they work great with a high poney.  If you are fortunate enough to live in a not-so-windy area (sorry greater Chicago area), a felt brimmed number is very witchy bitchy.

Camisoles

Layers, layers, layers, people!!  Camisoles provide insulation, and a extra shelf to make for bra-less days.  If there is nothing else good about winter (and post holidays the pros are pretty hard to come by) there is the fact that it’s super easy to go a whole day bra-less.

Cozy Sweaters

Big, over sized, cozy mutha fukas.  I like them big enough that none of the fabric actually touches my torso when I’m vertical.  With a camisole insulating me, and some opaque leggings maximizing my range of motion, I’m unstoppable.

Hater Blockers

Nothing inspires my inner narcissist like a pair of big tortoise shell Erika Ray Bans.  Sunglasses are not just for summer.  With the ball of fire in the sky reflecting light off the snow, it’s a little too much joyful light for my black heart to take.  Mirrored lenses are super on trend, bonus points for rose gold.  Large round frames are timeless, but are also having a moment right now.  The most important things to remember are to find a frame that maximizes the hotness of your face, and make sure their polarized so your eye balls don’t burn.

Fresh Face

Tinted moisturized with SPF, groomed brow, quality lip balm.  Done.  Keep yo shit moisturized!!  When it’s time to glam up, you’ll be working with a supple palette that won’t be as prone to caking.  Cake is for stuffing you face, not your foundation.