I Choo-Choo-Choose You

 

Oooooohhhhh Valentines’s Day.  It’s so easy to say “Fuck off”.  It’s a holiday that has nothing to do with the dude that’s it’s named after, it puts pressure on couples to have a good time just because the calendar say 2/14, and it makes single people feel like shit.  Hallmark sure knows how to jazz up a dry spell.

1bc6b4b6-38b8-458a-a187-f8c2d0a675bf-5479-00000a16f5d9650d_tmpNo one ever got chocolate and laid for Presidents’ Day.

What’s worse than the commercial holiday concept, is the people that get unreasonably upset by the holiday.  We GETTTTT it, you’re not blinded by a fake holiday.  But you’re probably are the same type of person that get unreasonably excited around Christmas time.  In the words of great Countess Lou-Ann “Be cool!  Don’t be like…uncool.”  Have some fucking chill people.  It’s just a day.  If you have a person, throw on your favorite undies and given ’em a show.  If you don’t, go buy yourself some kick ass flowers or those expensive chocolates from the ma
rket’s candy aisle.  Or here’s a thought:  don’t!  Do whatever the fuck you want on 2/14, and for the love of fuck don’t judge those who celebrate, or not, differently than you (unless there’s an Instagram collage and inspirational quote followed by “Thank you for being my best friend and partner-in-crime *various emojis*”.  Then judge away.)

cbd6d449-a3e2-470b-b424-4c15a1e1dd0f-5479-00000a16d97ce156_tmpHow  dare you!  I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!

Getting weird and judgey about Valentine’s Day is the adult equivalent of judging people’s taste in music when you’re in high school.  What’s the point?  You’re the only one feeling bad!  We as a generation need stop pretending it’s okay to be love with pepperoni pizza and our pets and maybe actually suck it up and have some human contact.  Although eating pizza while petting my cat is the closest thing to heroin I will probably ever experience.

So grab brunch with the girls, have a date night, watch horrible rom-coms, make-out with someone, yell “LIAR!” and throw a box of chocolate at your TV.  Do.  Fucking.  You.

I won’t say Happy Valentine’s Day, I’llsay have a fabulously weird February 14th.

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InstaShopper

Instagram has taken over the way we stalk research dates, stalk get inspo from celebrities, stalk see the goings on with an old frenemy from high school, and of course hope that others stalk double tap our selfies that only took 12 tries and some FaceTune to get just right.

It’s past the most neurotic time of the year, and we’re allowed to buy things for ourselves again.  InstaBoutiques add to the list of how ubiquitous Instagram is to our daily survival.  And unlike those fake Facebook to-good-to-be-true $10 dress shops, these Instragram shilling weirdos are the real fucking deal.

@shopBetches

Brought to you by those Betches with the fabulous memes on Insta and their new podcast, that I personally love.  shopBetches has all the t shirts, hats, and even bedding to keep you in a perpetual betchy state.  From plays on Yonce and Mean Girls, to the most relate-able vodka/soda, spin-class, Netflix and Leave Me Alone everything,  shopBetches has everything you need to be your unapologetically Millenial Betchy self.

Stalk them at their Insta and spend your monies at their site.

@Tulipoise

This weirdo isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty.  Liz hand makes all of her metal jewelry just for you.  She even puts up with the weather in her garage to deliver, that’s commitment!  Remind the world that us nasty women are still alive and well with her stamped necklaces or go a little more low key with a “fuck anxiety” or monogram ring.  She takes special orders.  She fucking rocks.

Admire her handiwork at her Instagram or her Etsy page.

@BadWitchBoutique

Oooooooooh this witchy little Aussie hit me right in the fuzzy.  Crystal necklaces, earrings, and rings, are just a few of of the gorgeous pieces offered; fully sized crystals are fully available.  Before you know it, you’ll be longing to dawn a merlot lip and take a stroll through your local woodland area.  Although she’s based in Australia, the site will let you know how much you’ll have to pay in American monies.

Summon her goods from BadWitchBoutique.com and lurk on her Insta.

@grungesource

It’s EXACTLY what it sounds like.  Although I’m likely to cringe at the repackaged trends of the 1990s, as assumed by people born after 1998, Grunge Source manages to keep when I love intact.  They offer the obligatory crop tops, alien chokers, alien beanies, strategically placed alien hologram tee shirts, alien power banks, ect.  Hologram back packs and phone cases are available in case you are worried about not being seen by cars at night when getting into adolescent mischief.    The Instagram page is everything you need to fuel your angsty teen side (or just your angsty side if you’re a teen), as your ironically scroll on your iPhone snuggled in its new Cat Middle Finger case.

Find the rest of their stuff at GrungeSource.com and the mood setter on their Insta.

@PackedParty

Fuck yes to all the glitter.  Send the other fab weirdos in your life delightful gift boxes for a fancy Thank You, Happy Birthday, Break Up Package, or their Seasonal Box.  Or you can go a la cart with Disco Ball tumblers, adorable door necklaces, and sparkley pouches that are impossible to lose in the infinite abyss of your purse.  Packed Party has everything you need when you’re feeling especially eccentric and colorful.

Get your glitter fix on their Instagram or PackedParty.com

Weirdo Wears Winter Wares

Winter/ cold weather style is a great way to show off how fabulous and weird you are.  Being a midwesterner myself, I resigned to the fact that once mid-November hits, Hell will be frozen over until April and will be a PMSing bitch immediately before and after.  Although we’re in the throws of winter, we still have at least 10 weeks of sunless,  face hurting air, freezing rain weather to go.  So we buckle down, layer up, and make it weird.

A Fabulous Coat

There’s nothing worse than going to a great party in a great outfit, and having to wear the coat that your shlep groceries in.  It’s always great to have a statement coat that you can feel fabulous in whether you’re having a date, bundling up for a tree lighting, mid woods seance, or a boozy brunch.

Boots

Tall, ankle, Chelsea, over the knee (not “thigh- high”…apparently it’s hookerish.  Thanks guest from Straight Up With Stassi), there are so many options.  Because I’m likely not walking nearly as much as when the sun is shining, I tend to like more or a heel.

Opaque Legging

Emphasis on the opaque.  As Blaire Waldorf famously once yelled at one of her minions “TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!”  I’m pretty well endowed in the booty arena, so it is an actual nightmare of mine to have a see-through situation…discovered suddenly in a store mirror…around less well endowed peers.  I don’t need to make an argument for these God sends, just make sure you’re camel-toe and pantie-show free.

Scarves Galore

I need to have my scarf clear up to my ears.  The bigger the better.  I like an infinity style because I find them more managable, but I do have a great long-ass white one from a knock off shop in Berlin.  I have yet to conquer a blanket scarf, but I think their super chic, very midwestern of me.  They’re also great if you want to have a no make-up day.  Scarf, hat, sunglass, no problem.

Head Ware

Give me a big sparkely pom, preferably faux fur.  A slouchy beanie is a no from me.  I don’t understand how they stay on your head!  It looks like a balancing act.  No thank you.  Headbands are cute for a not so cold day.  I notice that there is nothing covering the top of my head, it feels incomplete.  But they work great with a high poney.  If you are fortunate enough to live in a not-so-windy area (sorry greater Chicago area), a felt brimmed number is very witchy bitchy.

Camisoles

Layers, layers, layers, people!!  Camisoles provide insulation, and a extra shelf to make for bra-less days.  If there is nothing else good about winter (and post holidays the pros are pretty hard to come by) there is the fact that it’s super easy to go a whole day bra-less.

Cozy Sweaters

Big, over sized, cozy mutha fukas.  I like them big enough that none of the fabric actually touches my torso when I’m vertical.  With a camisole insulating me, and some opaque leggings maximizing my range of motion, I’m unstoppable.

Hater Blockers

Nothing inspires my inner narcissist like a pair of big tortoise shell Erika Ray Bans.  Sunglasses are not just for summer.  With the ball of fire in the sky reflecting light off the snow, it’s a little too much joyful light for my black heart to take.  Mirrored lenses are super on trend, bonus points for rose gold.  Large round frames are timeless, but are also having a moment right now.  The most important things to remember are to find a frame that maximizes the hotness of your face, and make sure their polarized so your eye balls don’t burn.

Fresh Face

Tinted moisturized with SPF, groomed brow, quality lip balm.  Done.  Keep yo shit moisturized!!  When it’s time to glam up, you’ll be working with a supple palette that won’t be as prone to caking.  Cake is for stuffing you face, not your foundation.

The Basic Bro, and You

Hello my Fabulous Weirdos!  Today I am going to take a break from all the Halloween fun and talk to you today about a very modern problem of a modern weirdo :  The Basic Bro.  Who doesn’t love a good pigeon hole?  Of course everyone is a special individual with independent thoughts and feelings (except maybe…the basic bro) but this legion of Sperry wearing, Harambee loving (dicks out), Kanye crushing, Ken dolls sticks out like a sore thumb.

Don’t get me wrong.  These guys are overall tempting.  Usually pretty hot, everything from the gym rat to the dad bod depending on your taste, he’s down to buy you and your friends a drink or 5, he’s funny and up to date on pop culture.  Some have “small town values”, some can’t shut up about how “progressive” they are.  It can all be a little overwhelming; especially mixed in with the labyrinth that is millennial dating culture.  Hopefully this can be a weird little road map, to help you spot a deal with a basic bro.

The Pack

The pack of bros in a unavoidable spectacle.  It’s a wedding after party, a happy hour that turned into a night out, the big (or any) game is on.  Who can tell?

There’s probably a bit a of a uniform going on.  It could a hipster flannel/ hennely situation, oxfords and chinos, skinny jeans and V neck tees…there’s a bit of variety, each as potentially douchey as the last.  When talking to a guy who travels in a pack, always bring back up.  A wing girl can distract the louder, drunker, douchier friend, while you get some face time.  Here’s the thing though, if he tells you where his pack is going that night or you run into him while you’re out (totally  on accident, of course) and it takes everything you’ve got to get his interest, or he corners you but won’t involve you in the group, get the fuck out of there.  He’s just not that into you, honey buns.

Dicks Out For Harambee

At one point I thought the “Dicks Out for Harambee” fad was limited to basic bros in training and some early college goers.  How terribly fucking wrong I was.  More than a handful of guys I graduated with (one basic bro I had the experiencing of “dating”) have Tweeted, Snapped, Facebooked something linking their dick to Harambee.  One basic brought it up at work…not ironically. Then he went back to watching cross bow demos on live deer on YouTube.  Charming.

Don’t deal, just avoid.  Fucking run.

Update:  1,500 write in votes for Hamarbe as if 11/09/16.  Thanks not quite alt-right bros.

 

Da Cluuuuurrrbb

In da club, we all fam.  No.   Go away.  There is one reason guys go to clubs:  drunk sluts in bandage dresses and rompers that show some under melon and heels they can handle.  That’s fucking it.  No one likes to stand 4 deep to get a $5 BudLight.  Literally no one.  Only the probability of tail makes that tolerable.  Just don’t go to the club.  They are only acceptable for bachelorette parties and even that’s a little thin.  I went to a club for a friend’s birthday and couldn’t drink because I had a shift at 7am the next day.  She twerked her way into the VIP.  Guys stand one of two places in a club.  1) on the periferal or high vantage point and observe…creepily.  2) In the center stabbing chicks with their denim cocks.  If the guy you like frequents da clurb, he’s not looking for anyone he wants to have a conversation with.  If you’re looking for a fuck buddy, go for it.  But if you want that boyfriend material…head to the microbrew.

White Knights

“Grab Her by the Brain”…Uh no, thank you.  “A Woman’s Place is in the House and the Senate”…Ahh!  I see what you did there!  I was really looking for your validation of my independence, thank you soooo much.  I don’t experience many of these out in the wild and that’s because they mostly live online.  They ride up on their social media platforms, defending women in the comment section, or worse, fill their Insta feeds with posts with rhetoric along the lines of the “Free the Nipple” campaign.  Have you seen Matt McGorry’s Instagram feed…it’s a white knight wet dream

It’s great to find a guy that genuinely respects women and doesn’t think twice about how your independence effects him.  But shilling out an opening line about gender roles or bashing men in general is just pandering for pussy.  Buy me a drink, tell me I’m pretty, and leave your “I’m With Her” shirt at home.

Menenist

On the surface this could look pretty great.  He has a job, he’s masculine, he’s smart.  They can take a while to spot.  But after a date or two he’s telling you how to do your job, explaining simple concepts to you, throwing shade about women in general.  Yawn.  Personally, I wouldn’t bother with the argument, you don’t have time for it.

There’s also the menenist that parades around like a white knight in a flannel but some how every break up he’s even been through is because his ex was too dumb, a smart ass, too slutty, too coy, way vain, wasn’t effortlessly adorable at all times, or disagreed with him on any topic.  And he’s all too excited to talk about it.

Costume: Unforgivable

Hello hello, Weirdos.  As we approach the most spooktacular (oh, fuck me) time of the year, it’s time to round out the finer details of the costume (or three) that will be dawned on the later half of the month.  If you’re like me you have your costume for work, a drag show or other bright and gay event, and friendly boozy house party.  I love Halloween because you can be anyone or anything you want.  Which always makes me question why people choose really tacky, gross, or general “I-hope-I-never-have-to-explain-this-to-my-kids” costume (believe me, there is a difference between “Oh that’s so cute, Mom’s drunk in a Cruella DeVil costume 20 years ago” and “Why can I see Mom’s labia…she’s dressed as a Minion.”)

Here are a few general “Don’ts” when if comes to dressing up this year.  It’s 2016, you’d thinks people would have an over all sense of self awareness (I’m not talking political correctness…I’m talking GENERAL SELF AWARENESS).

1. Blackface

We’re comin’ hot with this first one.  Once again, you’d think this wouldn’t be an issue in the 2010s, but then you see Julian Hough (possibly the whitest girl you know) spilling out onto the streets of L.A. as Crazy Eyes from Orange in the New Black.  You know what’s not the new black?  White people in blackface.  I don’t have a problem with non-black people going as a black character from a show or movie, but painting your face to look black is a little The Birth of Nation circa 1915.  It’s not cute…in fact it’s a little on-the-nose-racist.  If you’re about to go out into the Halloween world, do a last once over and think “Do I look like something out of white supremacist rhetoric film?” change you’re costume.  Put on a tee shirt, write “Error 404 Costume Not Found” in black Sharpie (you already have one…you were about to use it on your face) and call it a day.  It’s lame, but it will be better than your first idea.  However, that brings me to the next category.

2.  Non Costumes

Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you!  Party Pooper! That’s you!  Come ON.  Don’t even bother with a costume, THAT is less annoying.  If you’re going to use the aforementioned “Error 404 Costume Not Found” cop out, use duct tape over sweat pants to be a “stick figure”, or wear a snarky tee shirt that says something like “This IS My Costume”, I can probably tell a few things about you right off the bat:  You think you’re too cool for school and can’t relax about your “Anonymous” group long enough to have a good time, you think you’re original but you’re just like every other guy who was angsty at 14, you use shit like this to make up for your lack of actual personality, and/or you were about to go out in blackface and rightfully took my advice to change your costume.

3.  Slutty Insert-Already-Bad-Costume Here

I’m all for a sexy costume.  A bell out long-sleeve black romper, fishnets, killer heels, hat, and a red or black lip:  you’ve got a sexy witch.  Nude body suit, tastefully (key:TASTEFULLY) place ivy leaves, red wig, sparkly green lips:  Poison Ivy.  Black body suit, low chignon, winged eye, whiskers and heart nose:  black cat.  I could go on, it’s too easy.  Which is why it is INSANE that people feel the need to make non-sexy things slutty, and already sexy things lose their last stitch of class (probably literally).  Seriously, Raggedy Ann, Elmo, Minions, various snacks

…who is this for?

4.  Out-dated Pop Culture References

Let’s give Snooki a break ok?  It’s been at least 5 years since she was arrested on a beach ruining her “Meatball day”.  She looks fab and is enjoying motherhood to a few little meatballs of her own.  Bush still giving you a few laughs?  We’re not far enough out from Dubbya to be dawning rubber masks yelling “NUCULAR!” before doing Jager bombs (not me…I’m just assuming.  They seem like cooresponding life choices.)  There is so much ridiculous shit going on in 2016, whether it be celebrity or politics, that there’s no reason to dip into your high school data bank for costume ideas.

Although that mask is actual nightmare fuel, you can do better.  And I mean…if you can pull off going as Bobby Moynihan as Snooki, go for it.

Have fun this Halloween, Weirdos!  I know I came in hot out the gate…but I thought better to start with the actual offensive and chill out to just bad taste.  Make every Halloween count.  Creative costumes can be topical and fun with out setting back civil rights 100 years.  You do you, and wear those costumes with pride.

Stay fabulous, stay weird!

 

Haunt Your House

Happy October Weirdos!  It’s my favorite month of the year.  I’m listening to Astonishing Legends and Night Vale, drinking a New Belgium Pumpkick Ale (a beer at 9am is like a beer a 9pm for a nocturnal person getting off a night shift), and getting my house ready in preparation for the best holiday Hallmark ever stole from the Pagan tradition:  Halloween.

If you’ve been on Pinterest EVER, you will be bombarded with everything from kitschy straw spun wreaths, fake cob webs, intricate Jack-O- Lanterns, and specter projections.  Funny enough I like to keep it simple and fabulous.  While I love decor I am also lazy and cheap.  I don’t want my basement cluttered with dust collecting accouterments of the spookiest time of the year.  Here are some my favorite items that will have your stoop looking fabulous, simple, and weird.

The Ceramic Pumpkin

We all have memories of going to the pumpkin patch as kids.  I personally have a few gems in a color block wind breaker, standing next to a gourd or two that are almost as big as my 4 year old self.  You take the pumpkin home, take out the guts, roast the seeds, and mom and dad carve out the lopsided face you draw on with a Sharpie (unless your family lived on the edge and gave children knives…which sounds like the start of a horror movie).  Ain’t no body got time for that.  I’m not crafty, I don’t want the clean up, I don’t want to have to deal with a gross rotting sunken face come mid-November (too much Botox required, and then I have to deal with an old mushy pumpkin), and I ESPECIALLY don’t want to run the risk of inviting asshole teenagers on their 3rd Smirnoff Ice onto my porch fucking up my stuff.  The ceramic pumpkin doesn’t rock, there’s plenty of variety depending on your taste, and available at most grocery stores and T.J. Maxx.  I like to stack them on my steps, and light them with candles at night.

String Lights

Why should Christmas get all the fun?  Halloween string lights create a nice little ambiance for a night on the porch, having a beer, telling kids you’re out of candy.  I’m not a fan of little skeletons or eyeballs or whatever.  Keep it simple.  Red lights are a great seasonal touch, and clear lights are cool if you like to get away with keeping your house a little creep year-round.

Wreaths

Okay, I am always a little on the fence about wreaths in general.  I think they can go really tacky really quick.  You won’t see a monogrammed, chevron, glittery ornament on my door any time soon, or anything with tulle for that matter.  However, when done right, I think they can be a very chic addition to the outdoor decor.  There are plenty of DIY options if you’ve got that kind of time on your hands, but you can shell out for one if your so inclined too. Etsy is chalk full of these fuckers and the last one is from Crate and Barrel.A black freathered wreath is very Black Swan (one of my favorite movies, I love a manic Natalie Portman), and the black branches give a very witchy woods vibe.  Like this bitch might know some spells or is doing ballet in her living room in front of an ornate Victorian mirror.

There you have it.  Only three decor tips, but like I said, I like to keep things simple. Just enough for people to wonder about my sanity.  I strive to trick people into thinking I have it together and have impeccable taste.  Halloween is my favorite and want to give it the love it deserves.  I always respect an out done front yard that looks like a haunted grave yard or an entrance to an insane asylum.  Go nuts!  Have fun with it.  You do you.

Have a creepy and wonderful October.  Enjoy a cocktail, dress up as much as possible, and rack up that candy.  Stay fabulous, stay weird!

Happy Fabulous and Weird Fall

Grab your leggings and carving knives, Weirdos! Fall is upon us!  If your like me, you have had a love for Fall long before Instagram exploded with #footballscarvesandPSL (#fuckingkillme #dirtychaioverPSL).  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a die hard all things Cleveland fan, have picked a pumpkin from a patch a time or two, and tend to live in leggings when I’m not in scrubs, but Fall has always had a special place in my cold weird black heart for one overarching reason:  HALLOWEEN.

Halloween has been my favorite holiday almost my entire life.  As a chubby little outcast, nothing was more fun than dressing up as a pretty princess, scary witch, or slutty insert-costume-here (in college, don’t worry I wasn’t a 12 year old “sexy Raggedy Ann”… but the costume exists).

raggedy-ann-costume-50015

“It’s was my favorite doll as a young girl”

But as I’ve grown up, into a not-so- elegant lady, Halloween is a holiday where I can embrace my weird, fabulous self.  Think Alexander McQueen skull scarves, my FAVORITE tee shirt with “rock on” skeleton hand, witchy hats, black crystals, ankle boots, all black everything ON ON ON.  I love mixing the creepy and spooky with the main stream fabulous.  I couldn’t find the rock on skeleton hand tee, but here are a few key pieces of a lux meets weird look.backtofall

It would be too easy to poke fun at the basic bitch in her Uggs throwing leaves in a Mayfair filter or whatever the fuck it is they do; I’d much rather bask in fabulous weirdness (though I’m not saying I’m above posting something similar in the future).  Fortunately it’s only September so there will be plenty of fabulous, weird, and creepy things to come!

Stay Fabulous. Stay Weird.

Not-so-Fabulous Travel Woes

I love to travel, but by body does not.  Everything in my gut turns to concrete, all the water I drink hangs out in my face, hands, and feet, and my alcohol tolerance disappears.  I look like a teenager half-assing an eating disorder at Kroger the week before I go anywhere with all the Diurex, biscodyl, and coconut water in my cart.  AND they have to ID you for the Diurex.  I’ve had more comfortable eye contact with the 15 year old guy who works the register at the CVS when I have to emergently buy a box of super absorbent tampons.  But so help me God, if there is a photo to had, an occasion for a bathing suit, a night on the town, general walking, attempting to sleep comfortably…I will endure that eye contact.

This time around I’m taking more of a rustic/ domestic get-a-way.  I’m busting out two night shifts, flying my ass to Brooklyn (probably sleep deprived and therefore cranky), taking a beat with my gorgeous cousin, then sleeping through an hour and a half drive to the Pocono Lake Preserve.

I am by no means call this a “camping trip” or even “glamping” (which honestly sounds worse.  Who wants the added pressure of pretending to be comfortable and glamorous while camping).  But we are staying in a lake house cabin thingy on a man made lake preserve, that rich people from New York made into a private summer retreat 100 years ago.  This is some kind of bougie version of something I don’t even do the regular version of.

There will be heat, cold, mosquitos, physical activities, causes for me to be in a bathing suit.  All nightmarish situations.  Don’t start with the feminist a beach body is a body at the beach.  I get it.  Girl power.  Whatever.  My issue is not the way I look in a bathing suit, it’s the fact that I enjoying things like moving when in the water, and my butt can barely be contained in anything other than board shorts.  I’m not saying I’m fat, just weirdly well endowed.  So I’m trying to shop for a cute two piece come to find that something called the “itsy bitsy hipster” is the new kewl bikini bottom cut.  WHO IS WEARING THIS?  I’m trying to get my swim on, not hang out on a yacht in Miami with my meal ticket.  It was literally all I could find this late in the summer beside swim skirts, and those things drag me down.

So with all the bloating, concrete gut, booty spilling bottoms, mosquito bites, and stuffy sinus from flying, this should be a pretty interesting weekend trip.  I always have travel anxiety, and party anxiety, and seeing people after a long while anxiety. But I’ll take a take a deep breath and go with the weirdo flow.

 

A Weirdo Away

Travel is a special thing to me.  When I was 16, I begged my parents to let me go on the month long Euro Trip my high school social studies teacher organized every other summer.  They told me to choose wisely, it was either Europe or a car.  The family ’98 Jeep Grand Cherokee, aka Big Red, that my mom hated to drive to work would have to do. I felt cool, and cultured, and got to drink because they do not give a flying fuck over there ( I was still 17, not technically “legal” in most of the places we went).  We had this super hot tour guide that went clubbing with us in Venice.  I got lost in Berlin for 4  hours walking in the opposite direction of the land mark I was trying to get to.   My friends and I got followed by a guy with a knife in Prague.  It was nothing short of magical.

Unfortunately my days of gallivanting through Europe are limited.  I’ve jetted off (read:  rammed into a seat in coach stuck behind one of the most awful gashes of all time.  I’m not exaggerating.  Essex Snookie, her matted synthetic extensions, and shit faced bae almost got detained at landing because she was being a cunt punter to the poor mom with the crying baby in front of her #classy) to the United Kingdom a few times to see my boyfriend’s family.  If he so happens to have a conference in Paris and offers to pay for half of my ticket, so be it.  And if our friends in Berlin offer their extra room to us for a weekend, who am I to say no?

I hate touristy shit.  Who doesn’t these days.  Part of being a Millennial is to be a little too cool for school and go off the beaten path until its beaten to death.  Then go back on it again ironically and pretend not to enjoy yourself.  But I digress.  I love going to a city where I know someone who lives there.  It gives them an excuse to see a sight they’ve been putting off, and it gives me a chance to see a side of a place I probably wouldn’t have found on my own.  For instance, instead of going to some German tourist trap for dinner in Berlin, we went to this insane Israeli joint where I had THE best hummus bowl of my goddamn life.  My boyfriend took me to a kebab place in Manchester he frequented in college and I thought I was going to lose my damn mind it was so good.  Going to New York to see my cousin is fun because it gives her a chance to see an art exhibition she had been meaning to go to and I get to get drunk at a new bar.  Last time it was in East Harlem. We thought we were going to midnight brunch.  Turns out there is a basement club that we didn’t know we were invited to.  I don’t remember the cab ride home.

The best thing I can say about traveling is don’t turn your nose up at an opportunity to see a new place.  Don’t be basic.  Be fabulous, be weird.

A Weirdo’s Podcast Starter Pack

I love a good podcast. It’s like having interesting people in your house that have interesting stories and you don’t have to interact with them or contribute to the conversation.  Podcasts do not care how many classes of Rose or gin and tonics I’ve had, Podcasts don’t care where I take them, and if I get bored of one, there’s always another in the pipe.

My podcast love affair started with This American Life hosted by Ira Glass, and one day I thought “I wonder if there is a less intellectually stimulating version of this”.  And off I went.  Over the last few years I have a few tiers of podcasts:  the ones that I check every now and again, and ones that I subscribe to, and the ones a binge hard on.  These are the binge worthy ones, people.

  1.  The Bitch Bible
  • How do I love thee Bitch, let me cunt the ways.  Jackie Schimmel’s blog turned podcast spoke to me right from her confessional in the bathroom stall at temple (read 4 star hotel in southern California) during Rosh Hashanah.  A fellow lover of the Real Housewives and Bachelor Nation, her reviews of the shows are creative and unique with out coming off as forced or pretentious.  And that’s just the tip the sequined, martini sipping iceberg.

2.  How Did This Get Made

  • Have you ever seen a movie and wondered who the hell green lighted this plot hole riddled polished turd?  Jason Mantzoukas, Paul Sheer, and, June Diane Raphael- who you might recognize from The League and Grace and Frankie- recap, review, and reveal all things terrible inexplicable movies.  You’ll actually know who their guests are, and their live shows have a little extra bonus with audience participation.

3.  My Favorite Murder

  • Do you have a favorite true crime murder?  Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark have 29 weeks and counting of two true murders a week, and each week has a theme.  I love a good theme, especially patricide cannibalism.  They also have a great Twitter and Instagram account for your lurking enjoyment.  If you have a hometown murder, they want to hear about it and they might share it on the show.  You’ll feel like your hanging out with your two weirdest girlfriends telling you stories that only the fabulous and weird will appreciate.

4.  Straight Up With Stassi

  • THIS. IS. EVERYTHING.  Don’t let the blonde hair and reality star status fool you, Stassi Schroeder is indeed a fabulous weirdo.  Homegirl was in the market for a murder house in Los Angeles.  Her obsessions with aliens, murder, and a great manicure make for an interesting and varied podcast with guests that generally include her main friend and family base.  She talks about getting drunk and nearly arrested at Disney Land with her mom, and has a conversation with her best friend about alien regression genealogy.  If the podcast isn’t enough for you, catch her on Vanderpump Rules on Bravo (or Hulu Plus if you’re a plebe like me).

5.  Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine

  • We’re gonna take a left turn into the nerdy side of things.  Being a nurse, I have a genuine interest in what the fuck people thought, and still think, are legit medical.  Sometimes, they’ll cover a person in history, but mostly they’ll dissect different cure-alls that have been popular through the ages.  Justin McElroy and Dr. Sydnee McElroy have a great banter, she being a real doctor and he being a real podcaster.  It’s a great mildly interesting ear wig, that will get you to LOL once or twice while doing dishes or putting away laundry.

6.  Lizard People

  • If you love conspiracy theories held together by shoe strings and explained by people that don’t actually believe them, Lizard People is the podcast for you.  From Katy Perry actually being JonBenet Ramsey to The Bealtes being made up of clones, Katelyn Hempstead and her friends explain conspiracy theories that you never knew you needed to know about.

7.  Astonishing Legends

  • Spooky first hand accounts, morbid history, and explanations of the creepy paranormal, Astonishing Legends will send a shiver up your spine and leaving you feeling a little smarter.  I highly recommend listening to the episode “Shadow People” driving alone at night in the middle of no where or in your basement with the lights off.

8.  Faculty of Horror

  • Bitches be smart, bitches make you feel smart.  Andrea Subissati and Alexandra West are two super smart weirdos that will help you get your nerd on with an academic look at horror films, and unlike lectures in college, you won’t get the urge to whip out the old iPhone and start scrolling Pinterest.  They take a look at the good, the bad, and the ugly.  You’ll feel like a strong independent female who don’t need NO man to fight off the zombies.  On that note, here’s a fun game:  take a shot whenever they say the word “problematic”.

9.  SexyFit

  • Sometimes in order to feel fabulous, a weirdo likes to tighten it up.  Zlata Sushchik will CHANGE YOUR DAMN LIFE by walking you through how to track by macro nutrients instead of calories, have you hear from some fabulous guests with intriguing back stories, and tell you about her crazy journey from being Miss Teen Alaska, to fitness competitor, to bad lady boss who will help you change your body and your outlook.  We may be weird, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be SexyFit while letting our freak flag fly.

10. Welcome to Night Vale

  • The piece de resistance.  The weird of weird.  The most fabulous radio host and his adorable scientist boyfriend and the little desert town he loves.  Welcome to Night Vale.  Actual five headed dragons, a dog park that you’re not supposed to acknowledge, hooded figures, a vaguely menacing government agency.  I can’t.  I love.  Cecil’s calm pleasant voice will guide you through the on goings of this little town and make you want to move there ASAP.  You’ll be creeped out and in love.  At the end of the first season you’ll be glad to know that there is a sketchy faceless old woman that lives in your house, and she’s running for mayor.

All of the podcasts on the Fabulous Weirdo’s Podcast Starter pack are available on iTunes, Stitcher, or where ever you get your pods.   All of them are free of charge too.  I have never actually encountered a whole podcast series that costs money…but I hear they’re out there.  Just avoid them.  The best things in life are free.

Happy listening.  Stay fabulous, stay weird.

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