Instagram has taken over the way we stalk research dates, stalk get inspo from celebrities, stalk see the goings on with an old frenemy from high school, and of course hope that others stalk double tap our selfies that only took 12 tries and some FaceTune to get just right.

It’s past the most neurotic time of the year, and we’re allowed to buy things for ourselves again.  InstaBoutiques add to the list of how ubiquitous Instagram is to our daily survival.  And unlike those fake Facebook to-good-to-be-true $10 dress shops, these Instragram shilling weirdos are the real fucking deal.


Brought to you by those Betches with the fabulous memes on Insta and their new podcast, that I personally love.  shopBetches has all the t shirts, hats, and even bedding to keep you in a perpetual betchy state.  From plays on Yonce and Mean Girls, to the most relate-able vodka/soda, spin-class, Netflix and Leave Me Alone everything,  shopBetches has everything you need to be your unapologetically Millenial Betchy self.

Stalk them at their Insta and spend your monies at their site.


This weirdo isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty.  Liz hand makes all of her metal jewelry just for you.  She even puts up with the weather in her garage to deliver, that’s commitment!  Remind the world that us nasty women are still alive and well with her stamped necklaces or go a little more low key with a “fuck anxiety” or monogram ring.  She takes special orders.  She fucking rocks.

Admire her handiwork at her Instagram or her Etsy page.


Oooooooooh this witchy little Aussie hit me right in the fuzzy.  Crystal necklaces, earrings, and rings, are just a few of of the gorgeous pieces offered; fully sized crystals are fully available.  Before you know it, you’ll be longing to dawn a merlot lip and take a stroll through your local woodland area.  Although she’s based in Australia, the site will let you know how much you’ll have to pay in American monies.

Summon her goods from and lurk on her Insta.


It’s EXACTLY what it sounds like.  Although I’m likely to cringe at the repackaged trends of the 1990s, as assumed by people born after 1998, Grunge Source manages to keep when I love intact.  They offer the obligatory crop tops, alien chokers, alien beanies, strategically placed alien hologram tee shirts, alien power banks, ect.  Hologram back packs and phone cases are available in case you are worried about not being seen by cars at night when getting into adolescent mischief.    The Instagram page is everything you need to fuel your angsty teen side (or just your angsty side if you’re a teen), as your ironically scroll on your iPhone snuggled in its new Cat Middle Finger case.

Find the rest of their stuff at and the mood setter on their Insta.


Fuck yes to all the glitter.  Send the other fab weirdos in your life delightful gift boxes for a fancy Thank You, Happy Birthday, Break Up Package, or their Seasonal Box.  Or you can go a la cart with Disco Ball tumblers, adorable door necklaces, and sparkley pouches that are impossible to lose in the infinite abyss of your purse.  Packed Party has everything you need when you’re feeling especially eccentric and colorful.

Get your glitter fix on their Instagram or

Weirdo Wears Winter Wares

Winter/ cold weather style is a great way to show off how fabulous and weird you are.  Being a midwesterner myself, I resigned to the fact that once mid-November hits, Hell will be frozen over until April and will be a PMSing bitch immediately before and after.  Although we’re in the throws of winter, we still have at least 10 weeks of sunless,  face hurting air, freezing rain weather to go.  So we buckle down, layer up, and make it weird.

A Fabulous Coat

There’s nothing worse than going to a great party in a great outfit, and having to wear the coat that your shlep groceries in.  It’s always great to have a statement coat that you can feel fabulous in whether you’re having a date, bundling up for a tree lighting, mid woods seance, or a boozy brunch.


Tall, ankle, Chelsea, over the knee (not “thigh- high”…apparently it’s hookerish.  Thanks guest from Straight Up With Stassi), there are so many options.  Because I’m likely not walking nearly as much as when the sun is shining, I tend to like more or a heel.

Opaque Legging

Emphasis on the opaque.  As Blaire Waldorf famously once yelled at one of her minions “TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!”  I’m pretty well endowed in the booty arena, so it is an actual nightmare of mine to have a see-through situation…discovered suddenly in a store mirror…around less well endowed peers.  I don’t need to make an argument for these God sends, just make sure you’re camel-toe and pantie-show free.

Scarves Galore

I need to have my scarf clear up to my ears.  The bigger the better.  I like an infinity style because I find them more managable, but I do have a great long-ass white one from a knock off shop in Berlin.  I have yet to conquer a blanket scarf, but I think their super chic, very midwestern of me.  They’re also great if you want to have a no make-up day.  Scarf, hat, sunglass, no problem.

Head Ware

Give me a big sparkely pom, preferably faux fur.  A slouchy beanie is a no from me.  I don’t understand how they stay on your head!  It looks like a balancing act.  No thank you.  Headbands are cute for a not so cold day.  I notice that there is nothing covering the top of my head, it feels incomplete.  But they work great with a high poney.  If you are fortunate enough to live in a not-so-windy area (sorry greater Chicago area), a felt brimmed number is very witchy bitchy.


Layers, layers, layers, people!!  Camisoles provide insulation, and a extra shelf to make for bra-less days.  If there is nothing else good about winter (and post holidays the pros are pretty hard to come by) there is the fact that it’s super easy to go a whole day bra-less.

Cozy Sweaters

Big, over sized, cozy mutha fukas.  I like them big enough that none of the fabric actually touches my torso when I’m vertical.  With a camisole insulating me, and some opaque leggings maximizing my range of motion, I’m unstoppable.

Hater Blockers

Nothing inspires my inner narcissist like a pair of big tortoise shell Erika Ray Bans.  Sunglasses are not just for summer.  With the ball of fire in the sky reflecting light off the snow, it’s a little too much joyful light for my black heart to take.  Mirrored lenses are super on trend, bonus points for rose gold.  Large round frames are timeless, but are also having a moment right now.  The most important things to remember are to find a frame that maximizes the hotness of your face, and make sure their polarized so your eye balls don’t burn.

Fresh Face

Tinted moisturized with SPF, groomed brow, quality lip balm.  Done.  Keep yo shit moisturized!!  When it’s time to glam up, you’ll be working with a supple palette that won’t be as prone to caking.  Cake is for stuffing you face, not your foundation.

The Basic Bro, and You

Hello my Fabulous Weirdos!  Today I am going to take a break from all the Halloween fun and talk to you today about a very modern problem of a modern weirdo :  The Basic Bro.  Who doesn’t love a good pigeon hole?  Of course everyone is a special individual with independent thoughts and feelings (except maybe…the basic bro) but this legion of Sperry wearing, Harambee loving (dicks out), Kanye crushing, Ken dolls sticks out like a sore thumb.

Don’t get me wrong.  These guys are overall tempting.  Usually pretty hot, everything from the gym rat to the dad bod depending on your taste, he’s down to buy you and your friends a drink or 5, he’s funny and up to date on pop culture.  Some have “small town values”, some can’t shut up about how “progressive” they are.  It can all be a little overwhelming; especially mixed in with the labyrinth that is millennial dating culture.  Hopefully this can be a weird little road map, to help you spot a deal with a basic bro.

The Pack

The pack of bros in a unavoidable spectacle.  It’s a wedding after party, a happy hour that turned into a night out, the big (or any) game is on.  Who can tell?

There’s probably a bit a of a uniform going on.  It could a hipster flannel/ hennely situation, oxfords and chinos, skinny jeans and V neck tees…there’s a bit of variety, each as potentially douchey as the last.  When talking to a guy who travels in a pack, always bring back up.  A wing girl can distract the louder, drunker, douchier friend, while you get some face time.  Here’s the thing though, if he tells you where his pack is going that night or you run into him while you’re out (totally  on accident, of course) and it takes everything you’ve got to get his interest, or he corners you but won’t involve you in the group, get the fuck out of there.  He’s just not that into you, honey buns.

Dicks Out For Harambee

At one point I thought the “Dicks Out for Harambee” fad was limited to basic bros in training and some early college goers.  How terribly fucking wrong I was.  More than a handful of guys I graduated with (one basic bro I had the experiencing of “dating”) have Tweeted, Snapped, Facebooked something linking their dick to Harambee.  One basic brought it up at work…not ironically. Then he went back to watching cross bow demos on live deer on YouTube.  Charming.

Don’t deal, just avoid.  Fucking run.

Update:  1,500 write in votes for Hamarbe as if 11/09/16.  Thanks not quite alt-right bros.


Da Cluuuuurrrbb

In da club, we all fam.  No.   Go away.  There is one reason guys go to clubs:  drunk sluts in bandage dresses and rompers that show some under melon and heels they can handle.  That’s fucking it.  No one likes to stand 4 deep to get a $5 BudLight.  Literally no one.  Only the probability of tail makes that tolerable.  Just don’t go to the club.  They are only acceptable for bachelorette parties and even that’s a little thin.  I went to a club for a friend’s birthday and couldn’t drink because I had a shift at 7am the next day.  She twerked her way into the VIP.  Guys stand one of two places in a club.  1) on the periferal or high vantage point and observe…creepily.  2) In the center stabbing chicks with their denim cocks.  If the guy you like frequents da clurb, he’s not looking for anyone he wants to have a conversation with.  If you’re looking for a fuck buddy, go for it.  But if you want that boyfriend material…head to the microbrew.

White Knights

“Grab Her by the Brain”…Uh no, thank you.  “A Woman’s Place is in the House and the Senate”…Ahh!  I see what you did there!  I was really looking for your validation of my independence, thank you soooo much.  I don’t experience many of these out in the wild and that’s because they mostly live online.  They ride up on their social media platforms, defending women in the comment section, or worse, fill their Insta feeds with posts with rhetoric along the lines of the “Free the Nipple” campaign.  Have you seen Matt McGorry’s Instagram feed…it’s a white knight wet dream

It’s great to find a guy that genuinely respects women and doesn’t think twice about how your independence effects him.  But shilling out an opening line about gender roles or bashing men in general is just pandering for pussy.  Buy me a drink, tell me I’m pretty, and leave your “I’m With Her” shirt at home.


On the surface this could look pretty great.  He has a job, he’s masculine, he’s smart.  They can take a while to spot.  But after a date or two he’s telling you how to do your job, explaining simple concepts to you, throwing shade about women in general.  Yawn.  Personally, I wouldn’t bother with the argument, you don’t have time for it.

There’s also the menenist that parades around like a white knight in a flannel but some how every break up he’s even been through is because his ex was too dumb, a smart ass, too slutty, too coy, way vain, wasn’t effortlessly adorable at all times, or disagreed with him on any topic.  And he’s all too excited to talk about it.

Costume: Unforgivable

Hello hello, Weirdos.  As we approach the most spooktacular (oh, fuck me) time of the year, it’s time to round out the finer details of the costume (or three) that will be dawned on the later half of the month.  If you’re like me you have your costume for work, a drag show or other bright and gay event, and friendly boozy house party.  I love Halloween because you can be anyone or anything you want.  Which always makes me question why people choose really tacky, gross, or general “I-hope-I-never-have-to-explain-this-to-my-kids” costume (believe me, there is a difference between “Oh that’s so cute, Mom’s drunk in a Cruella DeVil costume 20 years ago” and “Why can I see Mom’s labia…she’s dressed as a Minion.”)

Here are a few general “Don’ts” when if comes to dressing up this year.  It’s 2016, you’d thinks people would have an over all sense of self awareness (I’m not talking political correctness…I’m talking GENERAL SELF AWARENESS).

1. Blackface

We’re comin’ hot with this first one.  Once again, you’d think this wouldn’t be an issue in the 2010s, but then you see Julian Hough (possibly the whitest girl you know) spilling out onto the streets of L.A. as Crazy Eyes from Orange in the New Black.  You know what’s not the new black?  White people in blackface.  I don’t have a problem with non-black people going as a black character from a show or movie, but painting your face to look black is a little The Birth of Nation circa 1915.  It’s not cute…in fact it’s a little on-the-nose-racist.  If you’re about to go out into the Halloween world, do a last once over and think “Do I look like something out of white supremacist rhetoric film?” change you’re costume.  Put on a tee shirt, write “Error 404 Costume Not Found” in black Sharpie (you already have one…you were about to use it on your face) and call it a day.  It’s lame, but it will be better than your first idea.  However, that brings me to the next category.

2.  Non Costumes

Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you!  Party Pooper! That’s you!  Come ON.  Don’t even bother with a costume, THAT is less annoying.  If you’re going to use the aforementioned “Error 404 Costume Not Found” cop out, use duct tape over sweat pants to be a “stick figure”, or wear a snarky tee shirt that says something like “This IS My Costume”, I can probably tell a few things about you right off the bat:  You think you’re too cool for school and can’t relax about your “Anonymous” group long enough to have a good time, you think you’re original but you’re just like every other guy who was angsty at 14, you use shit like this to make up for your lack of actual personality, and/or you were about to go out in blackface and rightfully took my advice to change your costume.

3.  Slutty Insert-Already-Bad-Costume Here

I’m all for a sexy costume.  A bell out long-sleeve black romper, fishnets, killer heels, hat, and a red or black lip:  you’ve got a sexy witch.  Nude body suit, tastefully (key:TASTEFULLY) place ivy leaves, red wig, sparkly green lips:  Poison Ivy.  Black body suit, low chignon, winged eye, whiskers and heart nose:  black cat.  I could go on, it’s too easy.  Which is why it is INSANE that people feel the need to make non-sexy things slutty, and already sexy things lose their last stitch of class (probably literally).  Seriously, Raggedy Ann, Elmo, Minions, various snacks

…who is this for?

4.  Out-dated Pop Culture References

Let’s give Snooki a break ok?  It’s been at least 5 years since she was arrested on a beach ruining her “Meatball day”.  She looks fab and is enjoying motherhood to a few little meatballs of her own.  Bush still giving you a few laughs?  We’re not far enough out from Dubbya to be dawning rubber masks yelling “NUCULAR!” before doing Jager bombs (not me…I’m just assuming.  They seem like cooresponding life choices.)  There is so much ridiculous shit going on in 2016, whether it be celebrity or politics, that there’s no reason to dip into your high school data bank for costume ideas.

Although that mask is actual nightmare fuel, you can do better.  And I mean…if you can pull off going as Bobby Moynihan as Snooki, go for it.

Have fun this Halloween, Weirdos!  I know I came in hot out the gate…but I thought better to start with the actual offensive and chill out to just bad taste.  Make every Halloween count.  Creative costumes can be topical and fun with out setting back civil rights 100 years.  You do you, and wear those costumes with pride.

Stay fabulous, stay weird!


Haunt Your House

Happy October Weirdos!  It’s my favorite month of the year.  I’m listening to Astonishing Legends and Night Vale, drinking a New Belgium Pumpkick Ale (a beer at 9am is like a beer a 9pm for a nocturnal person getting off a night shift), and getting my house ready in preparation for the best holiday Hallmark ever stole from the Pagan tradition:  Halloween.

If you’ve been on Pinterest EVER, you will be bombarded with everything from kitschy straw spun wreaths, fake cob webs, intricate Jack-O- Lanterns, and specter projections.  Funny enough I like to keep it simple and fabulous.  While I love decor I am also lazy and cheap.  I don’t want my basement cluttered with dust collecting accouterments of the spookiest time of the year.  Here are some my favorite items that will have your stoop looking fabulous, simple, and weird.

The Ceramic Pumpkin

We all have memories of going to the pumpkin patch as kids.  I personally have a few gems in a color block wind breaker, standing next to a gourd or two that are almost as big as my 4 year old self.  You take the pumpkin home, take out the guts, roast the seeds, and mom and dad carve out the lopsided face you draw on with a Sharpie (unless your family lived on the edge and gave children knives…which sounds like the start of a horror movie).  Ain’t no body got time for that.  I’m not crafty, I don’t want the clean up, I don’t want to have to deal with a gross rotting sunken face come mid-November (too much Botox required, and then I have to deal with an old mushy pumpkin), and I ESPECIALLY don’t want to run the risk of inviting asshole teenagers on their 3rd Smirnoff Ice onto my porch fucking up my stuff.  The ceramic pumpkin doesn’t rock, there’s plenty of variety depending on your taste, and available at most grocery stores and T.J. Maxx.  I like to stack them on my steps, and light them with candles at night.

String Lights

Why should Christmas get all the fun?  Halloween string lights create a nice little ambiance for a night on the porch, having a beer, telling kids you’re out of candy.  I’m not a fan of little skeletons or eyeballs or whatever.  Keep it simple.  Red lights are a great seasonal touch, and clear lights are cool if you like to get away with keeping your house a little creep year-round.


Okay, I am always a little on the fence about wreaths in general.  I think they can go really tacky really quick.  You won’t see a monogrammed, chevron, glittery ornament on my door any time soon, or anything with tulle for that matter.  However, when done right, I think they can be a very chic addition to the outdoor decor.  There are plenty of DIY options if you’ve got that kind of time on your hands, but you can shell out for one if your so inclined too. Etsy is chalk full of these fuckers and the last one is from Crate and Barrel.A black freathered wreath is very Black Swan (one of my favorite movies, I love a manic Natalie Portman), and the black branches give a very witchy woods vibe.  Like this bitch might know some spells or is doing ballet in her living room in front of an ornate Victorian mirror.

There you have it.  Only three decor tips, but like I said, I like to keep things simple. Just enough for people to wonder about my sanity.  I strive to trick people into thinking I have it together and have impeccable taste.  Halloween is my favorite and want to give it the love it deserves.  I always respect an out done front yard that looks like a haunted grave yard or an entrance to an insane asylum.  Go nuts!  Have fun with it.  You do you.

Have a creepy and wonderful October.  Enjoy a cocktail, dress up as much as possible, and rack up that candy.  Stay fabulous, stay weird!

Happy Fabulous and Weird Fall

Grab your leggings and carving knives, Weirdos! Fall is upon us!  If your like me, you have had a love for Fall long before Instagram exploded with #footballscarvesandPSL (#fuckingkillme #dirtychaioverPSL).  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a die hard all things Cleveland fan, have picked a pumpkin from a patch a time or two, and tend to live in leggings when I’m not in scrubs, but Fall has always had a special place in my cold weird black heart for one overarching reason:  HALLOWEEN.

Halloween has been my favorite holiday almost my entire life.  As a chubby little outcast, nothing was more fun than dressing up as a pretty princess, scary witch, or slutty insert-costume-here (in college, don’t worry I wasn’t a 12 year old “sexy Raggedy Ann”… but the costume exists).


“It’s was my favorite doll as a young girl”

But as I’ve grown up, into a not-so- elegant lady, Halloween is a holiday where I can embrace my weird, fabulous self.  Think Alexander McQueen skull scarves, my FAVORITE tee shirt with “rock on” skeleton hand, witchy hats, black crystals, ankle boots, all black everything ON ON ON.  I love mixing the creepy and spooky with the main stream fabulous.  I couldn’t find the rock on skeleton hand tee, but here are a few key pieces of a lux meets weird look.backtofall

It would be too easy to poke fun at the basic bitch in her Uggs throwing leaves in a Mayfair filter or whatever the fuck it is they do; I’d much rather bask in fabulous weirdness (though I’m not saying I’m above posting something similar in the future).  Fortunately it’s only September so there will be plenty of fabulous, weird, and creepy things to come!

Stay Fabulous. Stay Weird.

Not-so-Fabulous Travel Woes

I love to travel, but by body does not.  Everything in my gut turns to concrete, all the water I drink hangs out in my face, hands, and feet, and my alcohol tolerance disappears.  I look like a teenager half-assing an eating disorder at Kroger the week before I go anywhere with all the Diurex, biscodyl, and coconut water in my cart.  AND they have to ID you for the Diurex.  I’ve had more comfortable eye contact with the 15 year old guy who works the register at the CVS when I have to emergently buy a box of super absorbent tampons.  But so help me God, if there is a photo to had, an occasion for a bathing suit, a night on the town, general walking, attempting to sleep comfortably…I will endure that eye contact.

This time around I’m taking more of a rustic/ domestic get-a-way.  I’m busting out two night shifts, flying my ass to Brooklyn (probably sleep deprived and therefore cranky), taking a beat with my gorgeous cousin, then sleeping through an hour and a half drive to the Pocono Lake Preserve.

I am by no means call this a “camping trip” or even “glamping” (which honestly sounds worse.  Who wants the added pressure of pretending to be comfortable and glamorous while camping).  But we are staying in a lake house cabin thingy on a man made lake preserve, that rich people from New York made into a private summer retreat 100 years ago.  This is some kind of bougie version of something I don’t even do the regular version of.

There will be heat, cold, mosquitos, physical activities, causes for me to be in a bathing suit.  All nightmarish situations.  Don’t start with the feminist a beach body is a body at the beach.  I get it.  Girl power.  Whatever.  My issue is not the way I look in a bathing suit, it’s the fact that I enjoying things like moving when in the water, and my butt can barely be contained in anything other than board shorts.  I’m not saying I’m fat, just weirdly well endowed.  So I’m trying to shop for a cute two piece come to find that something called the “itsy bitsy hipster” is the new kewl bikini bottom cut.  WHO IS WEARING THIS?  I’m trying to get my swim on, not hang out on a yacht in Miami with my meal ticket.  It was literally all I could find this late in the summer beside swim skirts, and those things drag me down.

So with all the bloating, concrete gut, booty spilling bottoms, mosquito bites, and stuffy sinus from flying, this should be a pretty interesting weekend trip.  I always have travel anxiety, and party anxiety, and seeing people after a long while anxiety. But I’ll take a take a deep breath and go with the weirdo flow.