I Choo-Choo-Choose You

 

Oooooohhhhh Valentines’s Day.  It’s so easy to say “Fuck off”.  It’s a holiday that has nothing to do with the dude that’s it’s named after, it puts pressure on couples to have a good time just because the calendar say 2/14, and it makes single people feel like shit.  Hallmark sure knows how to jazz up a dry spell.

1bc6b4b6-38b8-458a-a187-f8c2d0a675bf-5479-00000a16f5d9650d_tmpNo one ever got chocolate and laid for Presidents’ Day.

What’s worse than the commercial holiday concept, is the people that get unreasonably upset by the holiday.  We GETTTTT it, you’re not blinded by a fake holiday.  But you’re probably are the same type of person that get unreasonably excited around Christmas time.  In the words of great Countess Lou-Ann “Be cool!  Don’t be like…uncool.”  Have some fucking chill people.  It’s just a day.  If you have a person, throw on your favorite undies and given ’em a show.  If you don’t, go buy yourself some kick ass flowers or those expensive chocolates from the ma
rket’s candy aisle.  Or here’s a thought:  don’t!  Do whatever the fuck you want on 2/14, and for the love of fuck don’t judge those who celebrate, or not, differently than you (unless there’s an Instagram collage and inspirational quote followed by “Thank you for being my best friend and partner-in-crime *various emojis*”.  Then judge away.)

cbd6d449-a3e2-470b-b424-4c15a1e1dd0f-5479-00000a16d97ce156_tmpHow  dare you!  I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!

Getting weird and judgey about Valentine’s Day is the adult equivalent of judging people’s taste in music when you’re in high school.  What’s the point?  You’re the only one feeling bad!  We as a generation need stop pretending it’s okay to be love with pepperoni pizza and our pets and maybe actually suck it up and have some human contact.  Although eating pizza while petting my cat is the closest thing to heroin I will probably ever experience.

So grab brunch with the girls, have a date night, watch horrible rom-coms, make-out with someone, yell “LIAR!” and throw a box of chocolate at your TV.  Do.  Fucking.  You.

I won’t say Happy Valentine’s Day, I’llsay have a fabulously weird February 14th.

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The Basic Bro, and You

Hello my Fabulous Weirdos!  Today I am going to take a break from all the Halloween fun and talk to you today about a very modern problem of a modern weirdo :  The Basic Bro.  Who doesn’t love a good pigeon hole?  Of course everyone is a special individual with independent thoughts and feelings (except maybe…the basic bro) but this legion of Sperry wearing, Harambee loving (dicks out), Kanye crushing, Ken dolls sticks out like a sore thumb.

Don’t get me wrong.  These guys are overall tempting.  Usually pretty hot, everything from the gym rat to the dad bod depending on your taste, he’s down to buy you and your friends a drink or 5, he’s funny and up to date on pop culture.  Some have “small town values”, some can’t shut up about how “progressive” they are.  It can all be a little overwhelming; especially mixed in with the labyrinth that is millennial dating culture.  Hopefully this can be a weird little road map, to help you spot a deal with a basic bro.

The Pack

The pack of bros in a unavoidable spectacle.  It’s a wedding after party, a happy hour that turned into a night out, the big (or any) game is on.  Who can tell?

There’s probably a bit a of a uniform going on.  It could a hipster flannel/ hennely situation, oxfords and chinos, skinny jeans and V neck tees…there’s a bit of variety, each as potentially douchey as the last.  When talking to a guy who travels in a pack, always bring back up.  A wing girl can distract the louder, drunker, douchier friend, while you get some face time.  Here’s the thing though, if he tells you where his pack is going that night or you run into him while you’re out (totally  on accident, of course) and it takes everything you’ve got to get his interest, or he corners you but won’t involve you in the group, get the fuck out of there.  He’s just not that into you, honey buns.

Dicks Out For Harambee

At one point I thought the “Dicks Out for Harambee” fad was limited to basic bros in training and some early college goers.  How terribly fucking wrong I was.  More than a handful of guys I graduated with (one basic bro I had the experiencing of “dating”) have Tweeted, Snapped, Facebooked something linking their dick to Harambee.  One basic brought it up at work…not ironically. Then he went back to watching cross bow demos on live deer on YouTube.  Charming.

Don’t deal, just avoid.  Fucking run.

Update:  1,500 write in votes for Hamarbe as if 11/09/16.  Thanks not quite alt-right bros.

 

Da Cluuuuurrrbb

In da club, we all fam.  No.   Go away.  There is one reason guys go to clubs:  drunk sluts in bandage dresses and rompers that show some under melon and heels they can handle.  That’s fucking it.  No one likes to stand 4 deep to get a $5 BudLight.  Literally no one.  Only the probability of tail makes that tolerable.  Just don’t go to the club.  They are only acceptable for bachelorette parties and even that’s a little thin.  I went to a club for a friend’s birthday and couldn’t drink because I had a shift at 7am the next day.  She twerked her way into the VIP.  Guys stand one of two places in a club.  1) on the periferal or high vantage point and observe…creepily.  2) In the center stabbing chicks with their denim cocks.  If the guy you like frequents da clurb, he’s not looking for anyone he wants to have a conversation with.  If you’re looking for a fuck buddy, go for it.  But if you want that boyfriend material…head to the microbrew.

White Knights

“Grab Her by the Brain”…Uh no, thank you.  “A Woman’s Place is in the House and the Senate”…Ahh!  I see what you did there!  I was really looking for your validation of my independence, thank you soooo much.  I don’t experience many of these out in the wild and that’s because they mostly live online.  They ride up on their social media platforms, defending women in the comment section, or worse, fill their Insta feeds with posts with rhetoric along the lines of the “Free the Nipple” campaign.  Have you seen Matt McGorry’s Instagram feed…it’s a white knight wet dream

It’s great to find a guy that genuinely respects women and doesn’t think twice about how your independence effects him.  But shilling out an opening line about gender roles or bashing men in general is just pandering for pussy.  Buy me a drink, tell me I’m pretty, and leave your “I’m With Her” shirt at home.

Menenist

On the surface this could look pretty great.  He has a job, he’s masculine, he’s smart.  They can take a while to spot.  But after a date or two he’s telling you how to do your job, explaining simple concepts to you, throwing shade about women in general.  Yawn.  Personally, I wouldn’t bother with the argument, you don’t have time for it.

There’s also the menenist that parades around like a white knight in a flannel but some how every break up he’s even been through is because his ex was too dumb, a smart ass, too slutty, too coy, way vain, wasn’t effortlessly adorable at all times, or disagreed with him on any topic.  And he’s all too excited to talk about it.