Oooooohhhhh Valentines’s Day.  It’s so easy to say “Fuck off”.  It’s a holiday that has nothing to do with the dude that’s it’s named after, it puts pressure on couples to have a good time just because the calendar say 2/14, and it makes single people feel like shit.  Hallmark sure knows how to jazz up a dry spell.

No one ever got chocolate and laid for Presidents’ Day.

What’s worse than the commercial holiday concept, is the people that get unreasonably upset by the holiday.  We GETTTTT it, you’re not blinded by a fake holiday.  But you’re probably are the same type of person that get unreasonably excited around Christmas time.  In the words of great Countess Lou-Ann “Be cool!  Don’t be like…uncool.”  Have some fucking chill people.  It’s just a day.  If you have a person, throw on your favorite undies and given ’em a show.  If you don’t, go buy yourself some kick ass flowers or those expensive chocolates from the ma
rket’s candy aisle.  Or here’s a thought:  don’t!  Do whatever the fuck you want on 2/14, and for the love of fuck don’t judge those who celebrate, or not, differently than you (unless there’s an Instagram collage and inspirational quote followed by “Thank you for being my best friend and partner-in-crime *various emojis*”.  Then judge away.)

How  dare you!  I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!

Getting weird and judgey about Valentine’s Day is the adult equivalent of judging people’s taste in music when you’re in high school.  What’s the point?  You’re the only one feeling bad!  We as a generation need stop pretending it’s okay to be love with pepperoni pizza and our pets and maybe actually suck it up and have some human contact.  Although eating pizza while petting my cat is the closest thing to heroin I will probably ever experience.

So grab brunch with the girls, have a date night, watch horrible rom-coms, make-out with someone, yell “LIAR!” and throw a box of chocolate at your TV.  Do.  Fucking.  You.

I won’t say Happy Valentine’s Day, I’llsay have a fabulously weird February 14th.