This Just Gets Me To Normal

WEIRDOS!! Jesus, you know what I’m really bad at?  Follow through.  Never again will I promise a two part post because I tried like 10 times to write the second part of the Chick Flick post and seriously it just wasn’t happening.  TBH it’s why I haven’t posted since early November.  So we’re moving the fuck on.  Keep it rolling.

The other day my long term boo-thang admitted he thought I was a whole year younger than I was…for like several months (If you’re under 25, trust me, it mean a lot when you’re over 25).  If he wasn’t the most forgetful human on the planet I would have chalked it up to perfecting my skin care/ personal care situation.  (PS Having acne doesn’t make you look like a blossoming youth, it makes you look like you need to add a spot treatment to your night routine.  ANYWAY.)

I’ve written before how I’m completely over the whole “OMG I’m a barely functioning adult.  I hate working out and grocery shopping and washing my face at night and…omg I’m such a mess isn’t that cute and relate-able?!”  PASS.  Also most of the people writing those posts go to refromer pilates 3x a week and can afford grocery delivery.  SO, us mere peasants have to figure out how to keep it tight and right even if we don’t think we have the time or monies.  So like, here’s what I do.  Most of this comes from my ever long winding path of figuring out how to take care of my self.

ROLL ‘EM!

Rollers are everywhere.  Ice rollers, micro needle rollers, even chakra crystal rollers.  Why do we roll?  Because everyone over the legal drinking age has woken up, looked in the mirror and thought “How even the fuck does that much water accumulate in my orbital socket (or so I assume your inner voice sounds)”, or if you’re me “I had some cutting edge cheek bones like 8 hours ago…I demand answers.”

I would leave the first time you micro needle to a professional dermatologist, BUT for puffiness the ice roller is a game changer.  You can feeeeel the demon retained water drain from your gorgeous face.  The coolness is a def plus, it wakes you up and is super fucking refreshing, even in the depths of winter.

How to:  Roll it up, roll it up! Watch it all fall out.  Roll it up, roll it up! That’s how we ball out! (spoken by the poet goddess Rhianna).  But seriously, roll that thing in a upward and outward motion.  Your first instinct might be to drag down, BUT you’re only helping gravity fuck up your shit.  Do that upward motion for 2-3 min like 2-3 times a day.  There are a bunch available on Amazon  buuut my favorite is…ice roller  Esarora Stainless Steel Ice Roller 

Broke Ass Hack: If you don’t feel like throwing down for a roller, or frankly there’s more important shit you have to spend money on, just throw a spoon in the freezer before bed. In the morning, hold it against your palm for a few seconds then do the roll up and out motion moving the spoon in circles. You just saved $10.99; you’re welcome.

Mask On, Mask Off

We all remember those creepy mask packets from the pharmacy with models with giant ass plants for eyes.  A sleep over staple.  But instead of experimenting with how much you can peel off in one try, now you actually have to figure out what they fuck they’re for, and if they even work…

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I strive for a Patrick Bateman level of self care.

I have combination skin, which means I get the joy of both super dry patches on my cheeks and oil slicks on my T zone.  This basically means a never dying colony of black heads on my nose.    Pore strips were my life for a while, until I discovered the charcoal mask.  Now, I’m not talking about the ones from those terrifying YouTube videos where they peel off the first 3 layers of skin to get it off.  I’m talking about the fun kind that drys and cracks when it’s ready to be washed off.  My favorite is this one by Origins.

Next Level Shit:  Use you favorite pore strip after the charcoal mask.  That’ll take care of any of those stubborn SOBs still hanging on.

I Mustache You A Question

…But I have to go fuck off for making that joke.

oooooooKAY!  Some of us have heritage from parts of world where APPARRRRENTLY it was necessary for survival or whatever-the-fuck for women to have upper lip and stray weird chin hair.  Like 100% of my heritage, lucky me.  I have the combined upper lip protection the Austrian/ Hungarians, Italians, and Russians have to offer.  Like 1000 years ago I’m sure it let a mate know our offspring would survive the winter and I could grow a mean turnip.  Great.

For 13 year old Emily, it meant getting the ever living shit burnt out of my lip by a salon girl that was “afraid of hurting” me.  WELLLL, bitch what didn’t hurt so much was the hair removal, not my first rodeo.  What SUCKED was 2 inch symmetrical burns from her over rubbing the wax/ paper, skiddish of making a 13 year old girl tear up.  Sweetie, I was already a new teen with a mustache…like…there’s not a whole more that can fuck me up.

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I just had to face I couldn’t pull off a Salvador Dali like Max.

So I swore off waxing to this day.  LITERALLY for the past 15 years I have only used one thing for my unfortunate situation.  I wash my face, brush Sally Hansen hair remover on my upper lip, kill 5 minutes, then wipe it off with a tissue.  I have pretty sensitive skin and it doesn’t bother me.  It also costs less then a lip wax and lasts like 6 months.  I get a warm pride feeling when I think about all the money I’ve saved.  Buuut….

If You Wanna Get Fancy:  As with all unwanted body hair, you can get rid of it permanently with laser hair removal.  I’ve given it a shot with my bikini line and the pain wasn’t worth it to me.  But I also know people who swear by it.  If you have the time and money (and pain tolerance)  I more than recommend it.

Nothing Days

I cannot stress enough the importance of nothing days.  When you have literally nothing planned.  No brunches, meetings, house keeping, grocery shopping, NADA! This used to be like every Friday through Sunday for most of us through college and a few years beyond, but life has a funny way of fucking you side ways.

Nobody relies on me to keep them alive, so if you have tiny humans or like a puppy or something I get that this is like…not fucking possible.  But if have a partner or a co-owner, or other semi-responsible person in sight range, hand over the obligation for 30 minutes to an hour and just do nothing.

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None, not one.

I have a horrible habit of spreading my self too thin and get so stressed out that I just take a nap instead of getting shit done.  Having 2 or 3 nothing days a month has done wonders for my sanity and gives me something to look forward to.

Get All Buddah Zen With It:  There are a few really good free apps with guided meditation.  Put on a sleep masks and your favorite head phones and let someone else help you clear your brain.  Some say if you fall asleep you’re not really meditating, but I say if what you need is for your brain to completely shut off for a few minutes, it fucking worked.

All of this isn’t even my version of pampering, it just gets me to normal.  When I don’t take the time to take care of myself it ends with desperately attempting to spray the last of a dry shampoo can onto my greasy/ fried hair 20 minutes before I’m supposed to clock in at my job; praying that the quad espresso kicks in before the sleep deprivation.  If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take of anything else.

So, go get rid of the hair you’re confused by, de-puff what’s not supossed to be, slather on your fave mask, and just do fucking nothing for once.

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Follow the fab weirdness @emilymsisco .

Stay Fab. Stay Weird.

“Adulting”

Watching “Steven Universe” and “Vanderpump Rules” on my Ikea couch that easily turns into a double bed,  I “accidentally” let the neighbor’s cat in the house again and she’s not mad about the head scratches.  Got my favorite robe on, fuzzy socks on my feet, and a glass of rose in my hand.  My laptop is open to the various forms I have to fill out, print off, mail, and punch my bank info into, so I can get my nursing license transferred to California  in time for the move.  It’s a fucking drag, but at least I’m comfy.

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This is a pretty dream adult life so far.  I get to get my busy shit done while I get a little toasted with some TV on the side, then I’ll go to bed listening to a podcast where someone tells me a story.  I could be a little more organized, sure, but my bills get paid and I’m not living off mac’n’cheese and Oreos (not for lack of trying).  I honestly don’t get where this “adulting” accomplishment bullshit came from.  When did doing laundry and paying bills and grocery shopping suddenly became more anxiety producing than going to an actual job.  When I hear the word “adulting” I hear “mildly annoying life stuff getting blown out of proportion”.

I’ll say it myself, I can get a little internally misanthropic about my Millennial status.  There are pros and cons of every generation and I tend to be critical.   Whatever.  However, for some reason my generation has taken to doing life stuff, (keeping a clean house and answering e-mails) like self inflicted chore torture that deserves a prize at the end.  Have the fucking glass of wine whether you mopped your damn kitchen or not.  I don’t need to see your ripped off Instagram meme about it.  I love being melodramatic but this is BORING.

Procrastination in my middle name, folding laundry sucks, I can’t hear my music when my vacuum’s running, and I wish I could eat Chinese food every night.  But when I look up and my bills are late, I can’t find my favorite top, my house is fucked and I’m bloated until the next election, I’ll have no one to blame but myself.  And that is worse than stubbing your toe and knowing that you are literally emotionally enraged with a chair leg.

I get it.  We’re a generation of new adults entering a workforce with seemingly useless degrees and debt up to our ears at the same age our parents were birthing us and buying houses.  Cool.  Who gives a fuck.  My parents got married at 23 and bought my childhood home at 26.  Think about the guy you were dating at 23…husband material or no? And as far as buying a house, do you live in a place where you want to be locked in like that?  News flash:  Our parents had no idea what they were doing either.  No one does.  Just because we’re not hitting the same giant “milestones” doesn’t mean we’re not qualified to complete a mundane “to-do” list.  It doesn’t make us less “adult”.

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And since the fuck when did we hold to convention anyway?  We’re the generation that made it possible for people to out make the rest of us by being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking (and using FaceTune) on Instagram.

I like having a clean house, I like my closet organized, and I like being able to cook a dinner from what’s in my fridge. I like watching “Steven Universe” and seeing what shimmery nail polish looks like with a matte top coat.  Sometimes I won’t put on pants all day, but there won’t be any dishes in my sink.  And even if there are, I’m having some ice cream and champagne anyway.

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Stay fabulous.  Stay weird.

 

Weird Body. Fab Body. Every Body.

I don’t care how body positive you think you are, when someone says “beach trip” or “shorts season” you’re going to wonder if can  shed a few inches before that scary day is upon you.  I’m not asking to be Kate Moss or even have an Ashley Grahm moment.  But for the love of Christ on a cracker, if you ask me to wear anything other than maxi dress I WILL have to supress a panic attack.

I’m physically strong  and I love my wardrobe from September-April, but I am not what you call a “summer body”.  I UNDERSTAND why the kaftan was invented.  And I refuse to wear one…because I would never take it off. Hello, Kyle Richards.

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So to my excitement and horror four things are happening this summer that will probably shatter my body image to the point of literally wearing nothing but scrubs ( you’d be surprised how often people just assume I just left work).  But…fuck me, I’m going to suck it up and attempt fabulous.  Either way I’m going to be sweaty and self conscious, so I may as look like I give a fuck.

Florida mid- June

It was literally the only week my boyfriend was not going to be traveling for business and my cousin isn’t hosting company.  Did I mention my cousin has run the NYC Marathon and literally snapped back into a six pack after having her child?  Even if we’re not hangin’ on the beach every minute, I do not feel like walking around with my hair sticking to my neck, getting under-boob sweat, things ridingwhere they shouldn’t….UGH…I can barely handle the humidity in Ohio.  I want to enjoy the time with my cousin and her kid, not freak about whether or not I look like the Blob rolling down the board walk, consuming everything in sight.  Thank God I can sleep naked.

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4th of July  Family Reunion

Again with the beach and the good looking family.  I am the least attractive person in my family, and on my mom’s half by a landslide.  Speaking of snapping back after kids, my mom’s approaching 60 with a six pack.  This is probably the least panic inducing event of my summer because north east Ohio on the lake can be unseasonably cool.  I’m hoping to get away with a black sundress with a slouchy sheer duster for when the sun goes down.  One thing I love about my family (other than the fact that they’re fabulous) is that no one bats an eye if you wear black in the dead of summer.

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Giant Coastal Beach House

Actual in-laws, potential in-laws, a baby, a dog, and a case of rose.  I super can’t wait to be in the center of all of it; and all with the September weather in the Carolinas being fickle as fuck.  I’m not to the point with my potential in-laws where I can let my freak flag fly.  They usually see me as a littl square on Skype twice a month.  And although I would love this week to be anything but athleisure…I think that’s what’s gonna have to happen.  I’m not going to take a gamble in a bell sleeve romper with this much family time going on.  Well fit tees, leggings, chambray, low top Chucks, sports bras…no bras.  I think the biggest risk I’ll take that week is a pair of linen shorts I have for emergency cases.

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Moving to LA

This is what is making the rest of my summer super stressful.  Every bead of sweat, every fat day, every zit, is filling me with dread about the town where terms like “LA fat” and “LA 6” are dead on.  On one hand I’m stoked to explore a new city and for my boyfriend to enhance his resume, on the other I’m writing down the math of losing 50 lbs.  Technically we’re going to Pasadena, where the brainiacs of NASA and CalTech reside, so hopfully it won’t be that bad on a day-to-day.  But I don’t want to feel like jumping off Mount Hollywood after hitting a WeHo bar.  But as stated before, I don’t want to live my exsistence in an exciting place insecure to the point that I don’t have fun.  I’m going to atleast be at Mia Thermapolus level of self conscious at all times so I may as well look like Julie Andrews’ glam squad got to me.

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My brain is going to have to buckle the fuck up this summer.  Lots going on.  Luckily I have spring to ease into exposing my skin to outside air and do some shopping.  Poshmark and Marshall’s betta be ready.

Stay fabulous, stay weird.

Weirdo Wears Winter Wares

Winter/ cold weather style is a great way to show off how fabulous and weird you are.  Being a midwesterner myself, I resigned to the fact that once mid-November hits, Hell will be frozen over until April and will be a PMSing bitch immediately before and after.  Although we’re in the throws of winter, we still have at least 10 weeks of sunless,  face hurting air, freezing rain weather to go.  So we buckle down, layer up, and make it weird.

A Fabulous Coat

There’s nothing worse than going to a great party in a great outfit, and having to wear the coat that your shlep groceries in.  It’s always great to have a statement coat that you can feel fabulous in whether you’re having a date, bundling up for a tree lighting, mid woods seance, or a boozy brunch.

Boots

Tall, ankle, Chelsea, over the knee (not “thigh- high”…apparently it’s hookerish.  Thanks guest from Straight Up With Stassi), there are so many options.  Because I’m likely not walking nearly as much as when the sun is shining, I tend to like more or a heel.

Opaque Legging

Emphasis on the opaque.  As Blaire Waldorf famously once yelled at one of her minions “TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!”  I’m pretty well endowed in the booty arena, so it is an actual nightmare of mine to have a see-through situation…discovered suddenly in a store mirror…around less well endowed peers.  I don’t need to make an argument for these God sends, just make sure you’re camel-toe and pantie-show free.

Scarves Galore

I need to have my scarf clear up to my ears.  The bigger the better.  I like an infinity style because I find them more managable, but I do have a great long-ass white one from a knock off shop in Berlin.  I have yet to conquer a blanket scarf, but I think their super chic, very midwestern of me.  They’re also great if you want to have a no make-up day.  Scarf, hat, sunglass, no problem.

Head Ware

Give me a big sparkely pom, preferably faux fur.  A slouchy beanie is a no from me.  I don’t understand how they stay on your head!  It looks like a balancing act.  No thank you.  Headbands are cute for a not so cold day.  I notice that there is nothing covering the top of my head, it feels incomplete.  But they work great with a high poney.  If you are fortunate enough to live in a not-so-windy area (sorry greater Chicago area), a felt brimmed number is very witchy bitchy.

Camisoles

Layers, layers, layers, people!!  Camisoles provide insulation, and a extra shelf to make for bra-less days.  If there is nothing else good about winter (and post holidays the pros are pretty hard to come by) there is the fact that it’s super easy to go a whole day bra-less.

Cozy Sweaters

Big, over sized, cozy mutha fukas.  I like them big enough that none of the fabric actually touches my torso when I’m vertical.  With a camisole insulating me, and some opaque leggings maximizing my range of motion, I’m unstoppable.

Hater Blockers

Nothing inspires my inner narcissist like a pair of big tortoise shell Erika Ray Bans.  Sunglasses are not just for summer.  With the ball of fire in the sky reflecting light off the snow, it’s a little too much joyful light for my black heart to take.  Mirrored lenses are super on trend, bonus points for rose gold.  Large round frames are timeless, but are also having a moment right now.  The most important things to remember are to find a frame that maximizes the hotness of your face, and make sure their polarized so your eye balls don’t burn.

Fresh Face

Tinted moisturized with SPF, groomed brow, quality lip balm.  Done.  Keep yo shit moisturized!!  When it’s time to glam up, you’ll be working with a supple palette that won’t be as prone to caking.  Cake is for stuffing you face, not your foundation.