Weird Body. Fab Body. Every Body.

I don’t care how body positive you think you are, when someone says “beach trip” or “shorts season” you’re going to wonder if can  shed a few inches before that scary day is upon you.  I’m not asking to be Kate Moss or even have an Ashley Grahm moment.  But for the love of Christ on a cracker, if you ask me to wear anything other than maxi dress I WILL have to supress a panic attack.

I’m physically strong  and I love my wardrobe from September-April, but I am not what you call a “summer body”.  I UNDERSTAND why the kaftan was invented.  And I refuse to wear one…because I would never take it off. Hello, Kyle Richards.

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So to my excitement and horror four things are happening this summer that will probably shatter my body image to the point of literally wearing nothing but scrubs ( you’d be surprised how often people just assume I just left work).  But…fuck me, I’m going to suck it up and attempt fabulous.  Either way I’m going to be sweaty and self conscious, so I may as look like I give a fuck.

Florida mid- June

It was literally the only week my boyfriend was not going to be traveling for business and my cousin isn’t hosting company.  Did I mention my cousin has run the NYC Marathon and literally snapped back into a six pack after having her child?  Even if we’re not hangin’ on the beach every minute, I do not feel like walking around with my hair sticking to my neck, getting under-boob sweat, things ridingwhere they shouldn’t….UGH…I can barely handle the humidity in Ohio.  I want to enjoy the time with my cousin and her kid, not freak about whether or not I look like the Blob rolling down the board walk, consuming everything in sight.  Thank God I can sleep naked.

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4th of July  Family Reunion

Again with the beach and the good looking family.  I am the least attractive person in my family, and on my mom’s half by a landslide.  Speaking of snapping back after kids, my mom’s approaching 60 with a six pack.  This is probably the least panic inducing event of my summer because north east Ohio on the lake can be unseasonably cool.  I’m hoping to get away with a black sundress with a slouchy sheer duster for when the sun goes down.  One thing I love about my family (other than the fact that they’re fabulous) is that no one bats an eye if you wear black in the dead of summer.

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Giant Coastal Beach House

Actual in-laws, potential in-laws, a baby, a dog, and a case of rose.  I super can’t wait to be in the center of all of it; and all with the September weather in the Carolinas being fickle as fuck.  I’m not to the point with my potential in-laws where I can let my freak flag fly.  They usually see me as a littl square on Skype twice a month.  And although I would love this week to be anything but athleisure…I think that’s what’s gonna have to happen.  I’m not going to take a gamble in a bell sleeve romper with this much family time going on.  Well fit tees, leggings, chambray, low top Chucks, sports bras…no bras.  I think the biggest risk I’ll take that week is a pair of linen shorts I have for emergency cases.

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Moving to LA

This is what is making the rest of my summer super stressful.  Every bead of sweat, every fat day, every zit, is filling me with dread about the town where terms like “LA fat” and “LA 6” are dead on.  On one hand I’m stoked to explore a new city and for my boyfriend to enhance his resume, on the other I’m writing down the math of losing 50 lbs.  Technically we’re going to Pasadena, where the brainiacs of NASA and CalTech reside, so hopfully it won’t be that bad on a day-to-day.  But I don’t want to feel like jumping off Mount Hollywood after hitting a WeHo bar.  But as stated before, I don’t want to live my exsistence in an exciting place insecure to the point that I don’t have fun.  I’m going to atleast be at Mia Thermapolus level of self conscious at all times so I may as well look like Julie Andrews’ glam squad got to me.

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My brain is going to have to buckle the fuck up this summer.  Lots going on.  Luckily I have spring to ease into exposing my skin to outside air and do some shopping.  Poshmark and Marshall’s betta be ready.

Stay fabulous, stay weird.

InstaShopper

Instagram has taken over the way we stalk research dates, stalk get inspo from celebrities, stalk see the goings on with an old frenemy from high school, and of course hope that others stalk double tap our selfies that only took 12 tries and some FaceTune to get just right.

It’s past the most neurotic time of the year, and we’re allowed to buy things for ourselves again.  InstaBoutiques add to the list of how ubiquitous Instagram is to our daily survival.  And unlike those fake Facebook to-good-to-be-true $10 dress shops, these Instragram shilling weirdos are the real fucking deal.

@shopBetches

Brought to you by those Betches with the fabulous memes on Insta and their new podcast, that I personally love.  shopBetches has all the t shirts, hats, and even bedding to keep you in a perpetual betchy state.  From plays on Yonce and Mean Girls, to the most relate-able vodka/soda, spin-class, Netflix and Leave Me Alone everything,  shopBetches has everything you need to be your unapologetically Millenial Betchy self.

Stalk them at their Insta and spend your monies at their site.

@Tulipoise

This weirdo isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty.  Liz hand makes all of her metal jewelry just for you.  She even puts up with the weather in her garage to deliver, that’s commitment!  Remind the world that us nasty women are still alive and well with her stamped necklaces or go a little more low key with a “fuck anxiety” or monogram ring.  She takes special orders.  She fucking rocks.

Admire her handiwork at her Instagram or her Etsy page.

@BadWitchBoutique

Oooooooooh this witchy little Aussie hit me right in the fuzzy.  Crystal necklaces, earrings, and rings, are just a few of of the gorgeous pieces offered; fully sized crystals are fully available.  Before you know it, you’ll be longing to dawn a merlot lip and take a stroll through your local woodland area.  Although she’s based in Australia, the site will let you know how much you’ll have to pay in American monies.

Summon her goods from BadWitchBoutique.com and lurk on her Insta.

@grungesource

It’s EXACTLY what it sounds like.  Although I’m likely to cringe at the repackaged trends of the 1990s, as assumed by people born after 1998, Grunge Source manages to keep when I love intact.  They offer the obligatory crop tops, alien chokers, alien beanies, strategically placed alien hologram tee shirts, alien power banks, ect.  Hologram back packs and phone cases are available in case you are worried about not being seen by cars at night when getting into adolescent mischief.    The Instagram page is everything you need to fuel your angsty teen side (or just your angsty side if you’re a teen), as your ironically scroll on your iPhone snuggled in its new Cat Middle Finger case.

Find the rest of their stuff at GrungeSource.com and the mood setter on their Insta.

@PackedParty

Fuck yes to all the glitter.  Send the other fab weirdos in your life delightful gift boxes for a fancy Thank You, Happy Birthday, Break Up Package, or their Seasonal Box.  Or you can go a la cart with Disco Ball tumblers, adorable door necklaces, and sparkley pouches that are impossible to lose in the infinite abyss of your purse.  Packed Party has everything you need when you’re feeling especially eccentric and colorful.

Get your glitter fix on their Instagram or PackedParty.com

Costume: Unforgivable

Hello hello, Weirdos.  As we approach the most spooktacular (oh, fuck me) time of the year, it’s time to round out the finer details of the costume (or three) that will be dawned on the later half of the month.  If you’re like me you have your costume for work, a drag show or other bright and gay event, and friendly boozy house party.  I love Halloween because you can be anyone or anything you want.  Which always makes me question why people choose really tacky, gross, or general “I-hope-I-never-have-to-explain-this-to-my-kids” costume (believe me, there is a difference between “Oh that’s so cute, Mom’s drunk in a Cruella DeVil costume 20 years ago” and “Why can I see Mom’s labia…she’s dressed as a Minion.”)

Here are a few general “Don’ts” when if comes to dressing up this year.  It’s 2016, you’d thinks people would have an over all sense of self awareness (I’m not talking political correctness…I’m talking GENERAL SELF AWARENESS).

1. Blackface

We’re comin’ hot with this first one.  Once again, you’d think this wouldn’t be an issue in the 2010s, but then you see Julian Hough (possibly the whitest girl you know) spilling out onto the streets of L.A. as Crazy Eyes from Orange in the New Black.  You know what’s not the new black?  White people in blackface.  I don’t have a problem with non-black people going as a black character from a show or movie, but painting your face to look black is a little The Birth of Nation circa 1915.  It’s not cute…in fact it’s a little on-the-nose-racist.  If you’re about to go out into the Halloween world, do a last once over and think “Do I look like something out of white supremacist rhetoric film?” change you’re costume.  Put on a tee shirt, write “Error 404 Costume Not Found” in black Sharpie (you already have one…you were about to use it on your face) and call it a day.  It’s lame, but it will be better than your first idea.  However, that brings me to the next category.

2.  Non Costumes

Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you!  Party Pooper! That’s you!  Come ON.  Don’t even bother with a costume, THAT is less annoying.  If you’re going to use the aforementioned “Error 404 Costume Not Found” cop out, use duct tape over sweat pants to be a “stick figure”, or wear a snarky tee shirt that says something like “This IS My Costume”, I can probably tell a few things about you right off the bat:  You think you’re too cool for school and can’t relax about your “Anonymous” group long enough to have a good time, you think you’re original but you’re just like every other guy who was angsty at 14, you use shit like this to make up for your lack of actual personality, and/or you were about to go out in blackface and rightfully took my advice to change your costume.

3.  Slutty Insert-Already-Bad-Costume Here

I’m all for a sexy costume.  A bell out long-sleeve black romper, fishnets, killer heels, hat, and a red or black lip:  you’ve got a sexy witch.  Nude body suit, tastefully (key:TASTEFULLY) place ivy leaves, red wig, sparkly green lips:  Poison Ivy.  Black body suit, low chignon, winged eye, whiskers and heart nose:  black cat.  I could go on, it’s too easy.  Which is why it is INSANE that people feel the need to make non-sexy things slutty, and already sexy things lose their last stitch of class (probably literally).  Seriously, Raggedy Ann, Elmo, Minions, various snacks

…who is this for?

4.  Out-dated Pop Culture References

Let’s give Snooki a break ok?  It’s been at least 5 years since she was arrested on a beach ruining her “Meatball day”.  She looks fab and is enjoying motherhood to a few little meatballs of her own.  Bush still giving you a few laughs?  We’re not far enough out from Dubbya to be dawning rubber masks yelling “NUCULAR!” before doing Jager bombs (not me…I’m just assuming.  They seem like cooresponding life choices.)  There is so much ridiculous shit going on in 2016, whether it be celebrity or politics, that there’s no reason to dip into your high school data bank for costume ideas.

Although that mask is actual nightmare fuel, you can do better.  And I mean…if you can pull off going as Bobby Moynihan as Snooki, go for it.

Have fun this Halloween, Weirdos!  I know I came in hot out the gate…but I thought better to start with the actual offensive and chill out to just bad taste.  Make every Halloween count.  Creative costumes can be topical and fun with out setting back civil rights 100 years.  You do you, and wear those costumes with pride.

Stay fabulous, stay weird!