Packin’ Heat

You guys…friggin’ SUMMER is here. And let me tell you something my body is not ready (I mean it is…it’s fine. I’m just panicking. You see, I’m very pale.). Mostly because in my little corner of the world spring just straight up cancelled itself and we went from a scarf and a coat moment to using terms like “stifling” and “heat of the day”.

And although we all thought we had more time to get our shit together, this also means that summer trips are just around the corner.

I love mini vacations and long weekends. They’re not as stressful as being cooped up with the same people for a full 7 days in unfamiliar surroundings, but also provide a respite from the dragging day to day and horrifying reminder that summer break is not a thing for you anymore.

I take my packing lists and outfit planning very seriously. I can’t stand the idea of not feeling like myself for 3-4 days because I didn’t think to pack my paddle brush or something equally as dumb. Also, my intestinal organs are completely stationary and immobile when I travel so I anticipate looking 3 months pregnant and have a flowy option at the ready that will in no way touch my body or reveal that I’m miserable.

There is a permanent, set in stone accoutrements of mine. If they weren’t with me I wouldn’t feel like my self and be a monster until I sorted it out.

1. Wet/ Dry brush

If you haven’t heard of this, get a new hair dresser. This $5 drug store purchase is a life save and is 1000x harder to misplace than a comb. They come is every color on earth and in travel size. Mine’s just a Goody brand from Walgreens but they are in literally every store.

2. Mario Badescu “Collagen Moisturizer”

Boujie item numero uno. This has SPF, collagen, magic…it’s basically a drink of water for your skin. I like to put it on about 5 min prior to foundation if I’m wearing any, but I wear it alone and of course on clean skin before bed. It’s not “cheap” but it’s last a good long while

3. Clinique Pore Perfector

I generally this anything that says “pore minimizing” is a straight up scam. Pores stretch when clogged and uh…if you don’t care of it, you’re kind of fucked. And pores come in all sizes. However, this stuff is straight up magic. I use it in daily routine and under make up. It works well enough that I no longer pass up a waist up group pic because I have the skin of a 60 year old truck driver!

4. 4000 pairs of seamless nude undies/ tee shirt bras.

Sun light + sheer fabrics + general sweating. A no brainer, really.

5. 5000 pairs of socks

When I spent a month in Europe I was a dumb kid and didn’t pack enough socks. It was so traumatic I now always bring like 10 pairs of socks, even for a long weekend. I’m a crazy person. It’s a crazy easy to hide though.

6. Black GAP Curve skinny jeans

Everyone has that one pair of jeans. These are mine. They look amazing. They go with everything. I actually couldn’t find them on my last trip and I thought I was just going to walk into the lake and never come back. Luckily…crop black leggings exist.

7. 1.5 million bobby pins

If you don’t already do this…you’re either crazy or a liar.

8. 2 coil hair ties

Okay, so these don’t prevent a crease in your hair like those thick tie ones, but your hair WILL NOT BUDGE! I have that horrible kind of hair where two twists is too loose and three twists all but cut off my circulation. With the coils, it’s a nonissue. I’m currently on a high pony kick because of them.

9. 1 pack of Neutragena make up remover wipes.

No one wants to wash their face after a long day of doing nothing. But after a bottle of wine and bonfire smoke, you’re already headed for trouble in the morning, do yourself a favor and prevent flecks of mascara from crusting in your eye balls while your sleep.

This is my BARE MINIMUM! I would absolutely not call myself a light packer. But I can prune off a third flouncy off the shoulder top, I cannot prune anything on this list. The best part is most of these are available at your friendly neighborhood drug store that you can rush into frantically on your way skipping town.

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Happy summer travels, Weirdos!

Stay Fab, Stay Weird!

 

Weird Body. Fab Body. Every Body.

I don’t care how body positive you think you are, when someone says “beach trip” or “shorts season” you’re going to wonder if can  shed a few inches before that scary day is upon you.  I’m not asking to be Kate Moss or even have an Ashley Grahm moment.  But for the love of Christ on a cracker, if you ask me to wear anything other than maxi dress I WILL have to supress a panic attack.

I’m physically strong  and I love my wardrobe from September-April, but I am not what you call a “summer body”.  I UNDERSTAND why the kaftan was invented.  And I refuse to wear one…because I would never take it off. Hello, Kyle Richards.

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So to my excitement and horror four things are happening this summer that will probably shatter my body image to the point of literally wearing nothing but scrubs ( you’d be surprised how often people just assume I just left work).  But…fuck me, I’m going to suck it up and attempt fabulous.  Either way I’m going to be sweaty and self conscious, so I may as look like I give a fuck.

Florida mid- June

It was literally the only week my boyfriend was not going to be traveling for business and my cousin isn’t hosting company.  Did I mention my cousin has run the NYC Marathon and literally snapped back into a six pack after having her child?  Even if we’re not hangin’ on the beach every minute, I do not feel like walking around with my hair sticking to my neck, getting under-boob sweat, things ridingwhere they shouldn’t….UGH…I can barely handle the humidity in Ohio.  I want to enjoy the time with my cousin and her kid, not freak about whether or not I look like the Blob rolling down the board walk, consuming everything in sight.  Thank God I can sleep naked.

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4th of July  Family Reunion

Again with the beach and the good looking family.  I am the least attractive person in my family, and on my mom’s half by a landslide.  Speaking of snapping back after kids, my mom’s approaching 60 with a six pack.  This is probably the least panic inducing event of my summer because north east Ohio on the lake can be unseasonably cool.  I’m hoping to get away with a black sundress with a slouchy sheer duster for when the sun goes down.  One thing I love about my family (other than the fact that they’re fabulous) is that no one bats an eye if you wear black in the dead of summer.

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Giant Coastal Beach House

Actual in-laws, potential in-laws, a baby, a dog, and a case of rose.  I super can’t wait to be in the center of all of it; and all with the September weather in the Carolinas being fickle as fuck.  I’m not to the point with my potential in-laws where I can let my freak flag fly.  They usually see me as a littl square on Skype twice a month.  And although I would love this week to be anything but athleisure…I think that’s what’s gonna have to happen.  I’m not going to take a gamble in a bell sleeve romper with this much family time going on.  Well fit tees, leggings, chambray, low top Chucks, sports bras…no bras.  I think the biggest risk I’ll take that week is a pair of linen shorts I have for emergency cases.

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Moving to LA

This is what is making the rest of my summer super stressful.  Every bead of sweat, every fat day, every zit, is filling me with dread about the town where terms like “LA fat” and “LA 6” are dead on.  On one hand I’m stoked to explore a new city and for my boyfriend to enhance his resume, on the other I’m writing down the math of losing 50 lbs.  Technically we’re going to Pasadena, where the brainiacs of NASA and CalTech reside, so hopfully it won’t be that bad on a day-to-day.  But I don’t want to feel like jumping off Mount Hollywood after hitting a WeHo bar.  But as stated before, I don’t want to live my exsistence in an exciting place insecure to the point that I don’t have fun.  I’m going to atleast be at Mia Thermapolus level of self conscious at all times so I may as well look like Julie Andrews’ glam squad got to me.

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My brain is going to have to buckle the fuck up this summer.  Lots going on.  Luckily I have spring to ease into exposing my skin to outside air and do some shopping.  Poshmark and Marshall’s betta be ready.

Stay fabulous, stay weird.